ahh christmas break. the time of year when i slack off most in writing. i'm kicking myself in the ass so that i become motivated----so here we go.
a couple updates: things with Red Head are being put on the back burner. i was slowly starting to ease him off right before we left so that i was free to decide for or against him when i got back to school. i was getting too involved, and break came at a perfect time to clear my head. he still tries to keep in touch and will leave drunk voicemails at 3 a.m. but i think he's starting to comprehend what i'm doing and thus act accordingly.
being home and legally able to drink definitely makes everything more entertaining. i've seen a lot of people i haven't seen in a while, and have already had two drunken makeout sessions, fallen in a bar, and gotten proposed to.
and now it's almost new years eve.
and i still have no plans.
sweet.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
we have a stage 5 clinger
it's been a crazy couple of days. i handed in a 20 page paper, took a couple finals, got wasted, and had a major freak-out in the boy department.
that's right.
Red Head is getting real serious.
the other day, i was complaining about how no one has the robin williams stand-up. i've been wanting to watch it for forever, but unfortunately the next day i had to study for a final. i spent all day at the library, only to come home around 9 and find a wrapped present on my desk with the note, "Just thought you could use some cheering up". The present turned out to be....you guessed it....the robin williams stand-up dvd.
He went out and bought the damn thing.
and. wrapped. it.
for the first five seconds my insides went all mushy, but then i remembered an important fact. i do not have a boyfriend. nor do i want one in the near future. not even Red Head.
things escalated with Red Head acting very affectionate in public over the next couple days, kissing me goodnight, and stopping up randomly. things reached a head when, wasted one night, he actually cried in front of me. c-r-i-e-d. with tears.
warning. warning.
let me make something clear.
i am cold and dead inside.
therefore excessive emotion makes me extremely uncomfortable.
actually it makes me run for the hills like i'm being pursued by the hounds of hell.
i can't be there for Red Head right now. that poor boy is wearing his heart on his sleeve. and in turn he's forcing things on me that i don't want, need, or am even close to being ready for. christmas break is coming at the perfect time. i can feel myself beginning to suffocate.
where the hell do i find these guys?
that's right.
Red Head is getting real serious.
the other day, i was complaining about how no one has the robin williams stand-up. i've been wanting to watch it for forever, but unfortunately the next day i had to study for a final. i spent all day at the library, only to come home around 9 and find a wrapped present on my desk with the note, "Just thought you could use some cheering up". The present turned out to be....you guessed it....the robin williams stand-up dvd.
He went out and bought the damn thing.
and. wrapped. it.
for the first five seconds my insides went all mushy, but then i remembered an important fact. i do not have a boyfriend. nor do i want one in the near future. not even Red Head.
things escalated with Red Head acting very affectionate in public over the next couple days, kissing me goodnight, and stopping up randomly. things reached a head when, wasted one night, he actually cried in front of me. c-r-i-e-d. with tears.
warning. warning.
let me make something clear.
i am cold and dead inside.
therefore excessive emotion makes me extremely uncomfortable.
actually it makes me run for the hills like i'm being pursued by the hounds of hell.
i can't be there for Red Head right now. that poor boy is wearing his heart on his sleeve. and in turn he's forcing things on me that i don't want, need, or am even close to being ready for. christmas break is coming at the perfect time. i can feel myself beginning to suffocate.
where the hell do i find these guys?
Monday, December 11, 2006
what happened to stretching?
okay.
things with Red Head are proceeding well. too well. well enough where i could get freaked out very soon. why is it that i always find the guys who bolt out of the starting gate at a sprint? i need some time to warm up, but by the time i have, these guys are already waiting at the finish line. that's how i feel every single relationship i've had has gone; i'm just starting to feel and wonder and care, and the guys i date have been at the finish line so long that they start another race that i'm not ready for.
i feel like Red Head is that type of guy. the guy that now i try to avoid.
i can handle this. really.
*gulp*
things with Red Head are proceeding well. too well. well enough where i could get freaked out very soon. why is it that i always find the guys who bolt out of the starting gate at a sprint? i need some time to warm up, but by the time i have, these guys are already waiting at the finish line. that's how i feel every single relationship i've had has gone; i'm just starting to feel and wonder and care, and the guys i date have been at the finish line so long that they start another race that i'm not ready for.
i feel like Red Head is that type of guy. the guy that now i try to avoid.
i can handle this. really.
*gulp*
Thursday, December 07, 2006
well hell
wow. after this week i know i am definitely not ready to go into the working world quite yet. how can i when i'm stressed out by just a couple of pages?
all this just makes me wonder if i'm capable of holding a real job at all.
considering that now that i'm done with work after 6 p.m. today and am then getting black-out drunk, and that solution will definitely NOT hold up after college....yeah.
as a grownup...i'm screwed.
all this just makes me wonder if i'm capable of holding a real job at all.
considering that now that i'm done with work after 6 p.m. today and am then getting black-out drunk, and that solution will definitely NOT hold up after college....yeah.
as a grownup...i'm screwed.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Mayday Mayday
Time to take a step back.
i'm getting too caught up in Red Head and i'm losing my perspective. i will not let myself lose the upper hand in this relationship, or whatever the hell it is between us. i find myself wanting to see him more often...like every day more often. yet at the same time, i am freaked out and dismayed by that same impulse. i do not want to be the girl that finds any excuse to talk to him, or one who actively initiates situations that he is only a passive receptor of. i do not want to become "accessible, convenient upstairs hookup" girl. i deserve attention and admiration and wooing. i want some effort made in my direction dammit.
Deep breaths.
i need to get back my mojo.
i'm getting too caught up in Red Head and i'm losing my perspective. i will not let myself lose the upper hand in this relationship, or whatever the hell it is between us. i find myself wanting to see him more often...like every day more often. yet at the same time, i am freaked out and dismayed by that same impulse. i do not want to be the girl that finds any excuse to talk to him, or one who actively initiates situations that he is only a passive receptor of. i do not want to become "accessible, convenient upstairs hookup" girl. i deserve attention and admiration and wooing. i want some effort made in my direction dammit.
Deep breaths.
i need to get back my mojo.
mistaken assumptions
for once we had an awesome discussion in my previously mentioned English class. it was about the deterioration of the English major as a whole, and what exactly majoring in the humanities entails. it was...marvelous. because we are all so passionate about our major that to imply that it isn't important or necessary inspires even the most laid-back and reticent of us to rise valiantly to our major's defense.
what we discovered while talking about the humanities is that so many people believe the English major is something inherent in a person---that it can't be taught. you can either understand and write poetry or you can't. you can correctly analyze a piece of literature or you have no idea what it means. you are born with the English major gene or you aren't. you cannot be taught.
that viewpoint is so wrong it makes my soul ache. love of writing can be taught. there is no correct way to analyze a piece of literature, or rather there is a certain process to go about analyzing a work but literature and poetry is still complete open to interpretation.
that freedom of interpretation is the beauty of the English major that people often miss. anyone can read a poem or a book and love it; the way the words blend and click together, and how a story unfolds like an intricate puzzle. anyone can appreciate beauty, and how the sound of a sentence can fall like music on your ears. language is an intricate part of life. you cannot have society or humanity without language. it allows us to communicate, to create beauty, to spark ideas, and to share emotion....passion. it is what seperates us from every other species on earth.
the English major isn't for everyone, and by no means am i making that claim.
but it's also not a mysterious cult, a biological quirk, or a predestined choice.
it is open to everyone.
like anything else, you just need a love of it.
what we discovered while talking about the humanities is that so many people believe the English major is something inherent in a person---that it can't be taught. you can either understand and write poetry or you can't. you can correctly analyze a piece of literature or you have no idea what it means. you are born with the English major gene or you aren't. you cannot be taught.
that viewpoint is so wrong it makes my soul ache. love of writing can be taught. there is no correct way to analyze a piece of literature, or rather there is a certain process to go about analyzing a work but literature and poetry is still complete open to interpretation.
that freedom of interpretation is the beauty of the English major that people often miss. anyone can read a poem or a book and love it; the way the words blend and click together, and how a story unfolds like an intricate puzzle. anyone can appreciate beauty, and how the sound of a sentence can fall like music on your ears. language is an intricate part of life. you cannot have society or humanity without language. it allows us to communicate, to create beauty, to spark ideas, and to share emotion....passion. it is what seperates us from every other species on earth.
the English major isn't for everyone, and by no means am i making that claim.
but it's also not a mysterious cult, a biological quirk, or a predestined choice.
it is open to everyone.
like anything else, you just need a love of it.
late nights
where else but in college can you start randomly drinking wine at 2:30 in the morning? where else but in college can you make late night food to go with that wine, and strengthen the bonds of friendships with shared laughter and the sheer idiocy slash inspired action of late night drinking?
nowhere else.
which makes me frantic to enjoy every last drop.
nowhere else.
which makes me frantic to enjoy every last drop.
something in the air.
i'm in the mood for romance. for soft hands, soft eyes, soft breath. i want cuddling, a movie, and eye contact. i want tenderness and a safe place to curl into. i want a song with aching feelings captured in every lyric, a steady heartbeat underneath my cheek, and a warmth that lulls me to sleep. i want the slow spark of body contact that smooths out into a simmering glow. why can't i have interlacing fingers, murmured words, and slow, sweet kisses? or hidden meaning scattered into conversation like diamonds in sand, and a moment that will linger long after he leaves?
just for tonight.
just to chase the loneliness away.
just for tonight.
just to chase the loneliness away.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
best laid plans...
i was looking good. i had on black pants, a silver and white top, and a silver half sweater. my legs and *other areas* were shaved. Lotion was applied in the shower (olay in shower lotion is one of the best investments i've ever made), so when i dried off i was baby smooth and glistening. My makeup was artfully applied, my hair was soft, and my standard go-to perfume was dabbed discreetly. i walked around with a mysterious half-smile on because i was the only one who knew that i was wearing a black lace matching set underneath my clothes, and was having fun trying to decide who was going to see it.
Red Head looked like a good option. we all went to the christmas party together in a laughing, talking, drunk herd. i socialized, stole a santa hat, danced to christmas music that should not be danced to, and had an all around good time. i also kept asking people what they wanted for christmas since i was apparently transformed into santa as soon as i put on the hat. i think someone at one point definitely tried to sit on my lap. i lost Red Head somewhere along the way but wasn't too worried. we would meet up later.
i ended up walking my drunk roomate home (yet another story), and stopped by for a quick visit at the local bar i worked at for some after hours booze. after having a couple beers and shooting the shit with my co-workers and boss, and amusing them with my santa hat and general wastedness, i decided to head home. they gave me a bottle of wine to keep me company on my way. i am positive now that i broke every campus law by openly staggering home with a half full bottle of Pinot Grigio, taking swigs like a wino every couple minutes in my santa hat. i was still confident in Red Head.
i ended up home at around 3:15, after receiving two phone calls from Red Head. I changed, freshened up,------------and waited. i looked at the clock every 5 minutes, determined that he should be the one to call.
until i woke up this morning, with my hair still soft, my legs still glimmering and satiny, my black lace set still sexy as hell, room left all to myself by my understanding roomate.....alone.
with missed calls from Red Head and a voicemail.
he had stayed out until four in the morning getting drunk with two of my best guy friends. which is apparently more fun than me and my matching set. he was wondering if i was still up. i am bitter enough to hope he was drunk enough to wait until the wee hours of the morning, anticipating.
so here i sit, still in my black underwear, still alone, sexually frustrated as hell. i hate wasting good underwear.
thank god i still have that wine.
Red Head looked like a good option. we all went to the christmas party together in a laughing, talking, drunk herd. i socialized, stole a santa hat, danced to christmas music that should not be danced to, and had an all around good time. i also kept asking people what they wanted for christmas since i was apparently transformed into santa as soon as i put on the hat. i think someone at one point definitely tried to sit on my lap. i lost Red Head somewhere along the way but wasn't too worried. we would meet up later.
i ended up walking my drunk roomate home (yet another story), and stopped by for a quick visit at the local bar i worked at for some after hours booze. after having a couple beers and shooting the shit with my co-workers and boss, and amusing them with my santa hat and general wastedness, i decided to head home. they gave me a bottle of wine to keep me company on my way. i am positive now that i broke every campus law by openly staggering home with a half full bottle of Pinot Grigio, taking swigs like a wino every couple minutes in my santa hat. i was still confident in Red Head.
i ended up home at around 3:15, after receiving two phone calls from Red Head. I changed, freshened up,------------and waited. i looked at the clock every 5 minutes, determined that he should be the one to call.
until i woke up this morning, with my hair still soft, my legs still glimmering and satiny, my black lace set still sexy as hell, room left all to myself by my understanding roomate.....alone.
with missed calls from Red Head and a voicemail.
he had stayed out until four in the morning getting drunk with two of my best guy friends. which is apparently more fun than me and my matching set. he was wondering if i was still up. i am bitter enough to hope he was drunk enough to wait until the wee hours of the morning, anticipating.
so here i sit, still in my black underwear, still alone, sexually frustrated as hell. i hate wasting good underwear.
thank god i still have that wine.
Friday, December 01, 2006
moment of immaturity
Quote of the night:
"yeah yeah i heard that was pretty good"
*long pause*
"your mom is pretty good".
"yeah yeah i heard that was pretty good"
*long pause*
"your mom is pretty good".
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
the dangers of being a geek
My English capstone class is full of nerds. i count myself among their number. however, worse than it being full of nerds is the fact that these are nerds who love to hear themselves talk. these are pretentious nerds---arrogant nerds. nerds with attitude.
i am happy that we are all in college and have gotten past the "i can't show my intelligence because someone will beat me up after class" complex. really. but seriously. even fellow geeks like myself do not want to hear you relate a philosophy that concerns literary criticism to obscure ideas or novels that no one has read besides you because you're sitting in on a friday night by yourself, breathing heavily over said obscure novel. these are the kids that i stare at intently all during class, wishing with every particle of my being for them to just. shut. up.
i am an enlightened nerd. i go out and party and drink and interact with living, breathing people. i enjoy class, i adore debating over ideas, i love learning. but it is not my sum total purpose for being.
so look down on me if you will.
but at least i'm not speaking to hear myself.
self-important windbags.
i am happy that we are all in college and have gotten past the "i can't show my intelligence because someone will beat me up after class" complex. really. but seriously. even fellow geeks like myself do not want to hear you relate a philosophy that concerns literary criticism to obscure ideas or novels that no one has read besides you because you're sitting in on a friday night by yourself, breathing heavily over said obscure novel. these are the kids that i stare at intently all during class, wishing with every particle of my being for them to just. shut. up.
i am an enlightened nerd. i go out and party and drink and interact with living, breathing people. i enjoy class, i adore debating over ideas, i love learning. but it is not my sum total purpose for being.
so look down on me if you will.
but at least i'm not speaking to hear myself.
self-important windbags.
Monday, November 27, 2006
new band
"So Contagious" by Acceptance.
The type of song you want someone to play about or for you.
sigh.
The type of song you want someone to play about or for you.
sigh.
One of my roomates who is *dating* the guy downstairs, just went down to see him because she hadn't seen him all over break. which also means that they also have a lot of sexual tension built up.
She comes into our room, "It was great to see him but i have my period so we can't really do anything".
"So you just went down and talked?" this coming from me.
"No because then i teased him with the fact that i was wearing pretty underwear. So he groaned, and then peeked. And all of a sudden his...yeah.. was like WHAM!"
"Wham?"
"Yeah i didn't know a guy could get hard that fast....or be that desperate. imagine. just from looking at my underwear".
There it is ladies.
Proof that men are the lesser animals.
*because we don't really know what they are and instead of saying grey area it's easier to just call it dating.
She comes into our room, "It was great to see him but i have my period so we can't really do anything".
"So you just went down and talked?" this coming from me.
"No because then i teased him with the fact that i was wearing pretty underwear. So he groaned, and then peeked. And all of a sudden his...yeah.. was like WHAM!"
"Wham?"
"Yeah i didn't know a guy could get hard that fast....or be that desperate. imagine. just from looking at my underwear".
There it is ladies.
Proof that men are the lesser animals.
*because we don't really know what they are and instead of saying grey area it's easier to just call it dating.
adventures on break
What a crazy crazy weekend.
what i thought was going to be a restful break away from school and stress ended up being yet another drinkfest. Probably because it was my birthday.
21 bitches.
it's nuts because inside i still feel like i'm 17. in fact i'm so immature that on my birthday i was extremely tempted to buy a six-pack at 2 in the afternoon and drink it...just because i could. but then i figured that might signify a drinking problem. i'm definitely not the most mature person to turn 21.
then on friday, to celebrate we went to the equivalent of a giant candy store for grownups.
new york city.
suffice it to say that we were wasted, dressed up, all over the upper east side, on top of the bar doing shots, having crazy cab rides, kicked out of the bars, dancing everywhere, ordering late night diner food, getting back to the apartment at 4:30 a.m., and having a late night dance party laying down.
the pictures are scandalous.
what i thought was going to be a restful break away from school and stress ended up being yet another drinkfest. Probably because it was my birthday.
21 bitches.
it's nuts because inside i still feel like i'm 17. in fact i'm so immature that on my birthday i was extremely tempted to buy a six-pack at 2 in the afternoon and drink it...just because i could. but then i figured that might signify a drinking problem. i'm definitely not the most mature person to turn 21.
then on friday, to celebrate we went to the equivalent of a giant candy store for grownups.
new york city.
suffice it to say that we were wasted, dressed up, all over the upper east side, on top of the bar doing shots, having crazy cab rides, kicked out of the bars, dancing everywhere, ordering late night diner food, getting back to the apartment at 4:30 a.m., and having a late night dance party laying down.
the pictures are scandalous.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
finally defeated
i love my sisters...don't get me wrong. but i guess i just expect more out of them than they are willing to give.
i was so excited to come home and see them for thanksgiving. yet for all of our promises to spend time together i haven't seen them much at all. they seem unenthusiastic about doing things together, or frustrated by conversations with me. the youngest acts as if having to speak with me is as painful as trying to speak with our mother.
on my actual birthday i didn't see them other than when they were forced to spend time with me because we went out to dinner as a family. when we are all home we stay in our seperate rooms or the two of them go off and do something without even knocking on my door or asking me to come.
now i find out that one of my sisters would rather spend time with the best friend that broke her heart than with me. even after i promised endless support. i'm proud that she's that forgiving. really. but it makes me think that maybe constant caring isn't really rewarded. maybe i'm taken for granted.
i guess i am not as needed as i thought.
and i guess i'm still surprised by how much that hurts every time.
i was so excited to come home and see them for thanksgiving. yet for all of our promises to spend time together i haven't seen them much at all. they seem unenthusiastic about doing things together, or frustrated by conversations with me. the youngest acts as if having to speak with me is as painful as trying to speak with our mother.
on my actual birthday i didn't see them other than when they were forced to spend time with me because we went out to dinner as a family. when we are all home we stay in our seperate rooms or the two of them go off and do something without even knocking on my door or asking me to come.
now i find out that one of my sisters would rather spend time with the best friend that broke her heart than with me. even after i promised endless support. i'm proud that she's that forgiving. really. but it makes me think that maybe constant caring isn't really rewarded. maybe i'm taken for granted.
i guess i am not as needed as i thought.
and i guess i'm still surprised by how much that hurts every time.
Monday, November 20, 2006
reconciliation of a sort
Red Head talked to me this past wednesday about the sleepover with his ex on saturday. it was awkward because i already knew about it and was just waiting for him to talk to me about it. it was awkward because we aren't really anything, yet at the same time there is sort of a silent understanding. and it was extremely painful to watch him apologize, be uncomfortable, and basically beat himself up about it in front of me. but at least he found the guts to do it. he told me something that i'm still not sure i should know about, something i'm not really certain i even have a right to be upset about.
so he redeemed himself.
sort of.
but this made the whole situation a lot more complicated. now i am hesitant about trusting him. now we had a "talk" way before there should have been anything resembling a talk. now things are said----things like liking and feelings and other stuff that i'm not really good with. now things could start to move really fast without taking appropriate time in the gray area. now he's even more reluctant to make moves than before because he feels like he made a mistake. now i'm worried about being in the middle of two people who i know. now i'm opening myself up and shit could get messy.
ach.
maybe i should just forget the whole thing.
but there's something about him...
so he redeemed himself.
sort of.
but this made the whole situation a lot more complicated. now i am hesitant about trusting him. now we had a "talk" way before there should have been anything resembling a talk. now things are said----things like liking and feelings and other stuff that i'm not really good with. now things could start to move really fast without taking appropriate time in the gray area. now he's even more reluctant to make moves than before because he feels like he made a mistake. now i'm worried about being in the middle of two people who i know. now i'm opening myself up and shit could get messy.
ach.
maybe i should just forget the whole thing.
but there's something about him...
highlights
Breakdown of Saturday night:
207 senior night-awesome
dress-innocent but naughty. (multiple compliments)
type of dress-twirly; perfect for spins and showing a hint of upper legs
shoes-black, sparkly stilletos a.k.a. "fuck me heels"
makeup-sophisticated but natural
jewelry-classy pearls
legs-shaved and *ahem* other areas as well. we're talking baby smooth
level of drunkeness achieved-optimal
multiple danceoffs-ridiculous
falling on the dancefloor-hysterical
dancing with Red Head-sweet and cute
rockin out to Journey-nostalgic
money spent on drinks-$0
sleepover- check; with Red Head
getting kicked out of my own bed because Red Head is a bed hog-exhausting
finding my direct roomate still passed out in her dress sitting up-somewhat disturbing but extremely funny
finding out today that my other roomate peed on her chair-priceless
207 senior night-awesome
dress-innocent but naughty. (multiple compliments)
type of dress-twirly; perfect for spins and showing a hint of upper legs
shoes-black, sparkly stilletos a.k.a. "fuck me heels"
makeup-sophisticated but natural
jewelry-classy pearls
legs-shaved and *ahem* other areas as well. we're talking baby smooth
level of drunkeness achieved-optimal
multiple danceoffs-ridiculous
falling on the dancefloor-hysterical
dancing with Red Head-sweet and cute
rockin out to Journey-nostalgic
money spent on drinks-$0
sleepover- check; with Red Head
getting kicked out of my own bed because Red Head is a bed hog-exhausting
finding my direct roomate still passed out in her dress sitting up-somewhat disturbing but extremely funny
finding out today that my other roomate peed on her chair-priceless
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
another heartbreak
i am the oldest. i am supposed to be the protector, the responsible one, the shoulder to lean on. so why am i so helpless to keep her from deep, soul-numbing hurt?
but how do i protect my sister from heartbreak?
how do i protect her from people and circumstances that no one can predict will end up slapping her in the face?
how am i supposed to take the brunt of the pain for her? how can i stop life from teaching her painful but necessary lessons?
she's so open, sweet, and forgiving. which is why it shatters my heart when things like betrayal and bad hookups continue to happen to her. she doesn't deserve this. i just hope that she doesn't let these things take away the goodness and caring that sparkles within her.
that would be a loss i couldn't bear.
but how do i protect my sister from heartbreak?
how do i protect her from people and circumstances that no one can predict will end up slapping her in the face?
how am i supposed to take the brunt of the pain for her? how can i stop life from teaching her painful but necessary lessons?
she's so open, sweet, and forgiving. which is why it shatters my heart when things like betrayal and bad hookups continue to happen to her. she doesn't deserve this. i just hope that she doesn't let these things take away the goodness and caring that sparkles within her.
that would be a loss i couldn't bear.
Monday, November 13, 2006
no more
i'm so tired of secrets. i'm tired of gossip. i'm tired of having my expectations proven wrong again and again. i'm tired of finding out that some people i know possess some not-so-stellar qualities. i'm tired of heart-to-hearts with people in which they feel i am the best person to tell their secrets to. i'm tired of being reliable and nice and a shoulder to lean on. my shoulder is getting worn down. i feel heavier and heavier with all the information that's being pressed on me. once people have told me their secrets it means i am responsible in some way. i have to give them advice, or reassure them that it's okay. but it's not okay. i don't like knowing things about people that i'm not normally privy to. other people may like knowing all the dirt. knowing the dirt doesn't make me feel important...it just makes me feel unclean.
i like to think in general that people are good with somewhat decent motivations. lately i'm finding out that isn't always the case. people aren't always aboveboard. most of the time people are sneaky. most of the time people are lying to themselves and others.
i'm disappointed. this weekend i found out more unsavory details about people than i ever wanted to know. and it wasn't light stuff either. because people were telling me secrets about themselves. those are the worst kind. you can't brush off secrets like those. those types of secrets are never nice. they're selfish, and awful, and change how you look at them. i don't want to know those types of things. i don't want to have to change how i look at people. yet people continued to chose me as their confidant, a role which i sometimes dread assuming.
i agree with average girl.
keep your secrets.
i have enough of my own.
i like to think in general that people are good with somewhat decent motivations. lately i'm finding out that isn't always the case. people aren't always aboveboard. most of the time people are sneaky. most of the time people are lying to themselves and others.
i'm disappointed. this weekend i found out more unsavory details about people than i ever wanted to know. and it wasn't light stuff either. because people were telling me secrets about themselves. those are the worst kind. you can't brush off secrets like those. those types of secrets are never nice. they're selfish, and awful, and change how you look at them. i don't want to know those types of things. i don't want to have to change how i look at people. yet people continued to chose me as their confidant, a role which i sometimes dread assuming.
i agree with average girl.
keep your secrets.
i have enough of my own.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
not surprised
just when i get my hopes up, i'm disappointed again. things with Red Head were going well. he came out and admitted that he liked me and was ubercute about the entire thing. he stayed over and things were...ahem...good. i was starting to open up, starting to think that maybe i could harmlessly like someone again. huge step.
until today when i find out that he stayed over his ex-girlfriend's house and at this point in the day is still there.
sweet.
this is why i don't give guys a chance.
because even the "nice ones"....aren't so nice.
until today when i find out that he stayed over his ex-girlfriend's house and at this point in the day is still there.
sweet.
this is why i don't give guys a chance.
because even the "nice ones"....aren't so nice.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
a mission
My professor, who is also a Dominican Friar and a marriage counselor was discussing emotional maturity. He stated that people in relationships are emotionally mature when they can notice the differences between themselves and accept them rather than speaking about how they are alike. He then told us what a man once said about his future wife,
"She is so different from me that i am endlessly fascinated"
My new goal in life is to find the man that will someday say that about me.
"She is so different from me that i am endlessly fascinated"
My new goal in life is to find the man that will someday say that about me.
Monday, November 06, 2006
the truth about Red Head
it's time for me to be completely and totally honest.
Red Head scares the living shit out of me.
not in the way you might think. in fact, based on what you've read, probably exactly opposite of what you might think. i am emotionally retarded. i have accepted this. i seem incapable of giving people what they want in relationships. i never feel strongly enough, never show my gratitude enough, never say the words enough. i'm cold inside. no one yet has touched me in a way that warms me from the inside out, that makes me want to leap over the edge and commit totally and completely. but guys like Red Head make me want to try. and that is what frightens me.
He's a great guy. a nice guy. the guy you take home to your parents and get a white picket fence and golden retriever with. he's All American with capital A's. kind, sweet, attractive, hard-working, honest, funny, and so sincere and eager. the guy has got relationship written all over him. i can't handle that. especially the eager part. i know he likes me. he couldn't make it any more obvious if he walked around with a blinking red sign on his chest. i cannot deal with people who are so open with their emotions, who don't have hidden motivations. i can't deal with them because i do. i have reasons for my actions that i would never tell people, and my emotions are buried so deep and are so closed off that sometimes i despair of ever truly feeling in a relationship.
so yeah Red Head scares me. he terrifies me to my toes. he's walking around with his heart like an open book, and while i want to take it and run with it, that means i am also responsible for it as well. i don't want to be responsible for someone else getting hurt again. because regardless of the fact that i cannot seem to care how guys want me to care in a relationship...
i care enough to carry guilt on my conscience for a long time when i do eventually hurt them.
Red Head scares the living shit out of me.
not in the way you might think. in fact, based on what you've read, probably exactly opposite of what you might think. i am emotionally retarded. i have accepted this. i seem incapable of giving people what they want in relationships. i never feel strongly enough, never show my gratitude enough, never say the words enough. i'm cold inside. no one yet has touched me in a way that warms me from the inside out, that makes me want to leap over the edge and commit totally and completely. but guys like Red Head make me want to try. and that is what frightens me.
He's a great guy. a nice guy. the guy you take home to your parents and get a white picket fence and golden retriever with. he's All American with capital A's. kind, sweet, attractive, hard-working, honest, funny, and so sincere and eager. the guy has got relationship written all over him. i can't handle that. especially the eager part. i know he likes me. he couldn't make it any more obvious if he walked around with a blinking red sign on his chest. i cannot deal with people who are so open with their emotions, who don't have hidden motivations. i can't deal with them because i do. i have reasons for my actions that i would never tell people, and my emotions are buried so deep and are so closed off that sometimes i despair of ever truly feeling in a relationship.
so yeah Red Head scares me. he terrifies me to my toes. he's walking around with his heart like an open book, and while i want to take it and run with it, that means i am also responsible for it as well. i don't want to be responsible for someone else getting hurt again. because regardless of the fact that i cannot seem to care how guys want me to care in a relationship...
i care enough to carry guilt on my conscience for a long time when i do eventually hurt them.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
update on hookups
Apparently i was misinformed about Red Head and Ex-Girlfriend. and apparently Red Head also really likes me (this i got from his direct roomate...an infinitely more reliable source). He likes me so much that he called me three times saturday night and once this afternoon.
That makes a total of four times in less than 10 hours.
but that's not the best part.
He also left four voicemails.
eep.
That makes a total of four times in less than 10 hours.
but that's not the best part.
He also left four voicemails.
eep.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
c'est la vie
I just found out that Red Head slept at his ex-girlfriend's house last week.
oh no. i am not getting sucked into a "whatever" with a needy boy who also has past relationship issues. no way.
it's a shame...he did have a great body.
;)
oh no. i am not getting sucked into a "whatever" with a needy boy who also has past relationship issues. no way.
it's a shame...he did have a great body.
;)
Friday, November 03, 2006
a new outlook
we went to a new bar last night and it was just what we needed. a change of pace, a change of scene, a change of guys. it was an older crowd and thus more exciting. i've forgotten how refreshing it is to be the young one. it gives everything a fresh feel, and a sheen of excitement glosses every experience.
it was completely different from a college bar...which means i got grown-up wasted instead of college wasted. and it was a lot of fun in a different way. we drank classy liquor instead of stuff that was probably brewed in a random bathtub. we danced but not sloppily. we got numbers on cards instead of trying to squint at a phone and drunkenly punch their name in, usually with a number or two thrown in for good measure. we were hit on in a non-sleazy, non-college boy way. the guys were more mature and bought us drinks, instead of offering to buy us drinks and then disappearing faster than a bad hookup. the guys had tabs.
so life after college bars looks like it won't be too bad.
it was completely different from a college bar...which means i got grown-up wasted instead of college wasted. and it was a lot of fun in a different way. we drank classy liquor instead of stuff that was probably brewed in a random bathtub. we danced but not sloppily. we got numbers on cards instead of trying to squint at a phone and drunkenly punch their name in, usually with a number or two thrown in for good measure. we were hit on in a non-sleazy, non-college boy way. the guys were more mature and bought us drinks, instead of offering to buy us drinks and then disappearing faster than a bad hookup. the guys had tabs.
so life after college bars looks like it won't be too bad.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
like a stack of dominoes
you know those days when the little things go wrong and it all starts to add up? when you feel like things are slipping out of control way too fast? when just plopping down and bawling like a baby seems like a better idea than facing the real world? yeah...well i feel like karma was kicking me in the ass yesterday.
first, i had a ton of stuff to do. but i was organized. i had a plan. or so i thought.
second, i lost the form i needed to get signed right before the meeting i had scheduled to get it signed. so i had to run to a different building to get the form and then run back so i wasn't late to the meeting.
guess who i see in the hallway on my way to pick up the form?
oh yeah. Best Friend Hookup.
and we were all alone in the hallway so there was no possible way i could just walk past.
talk about the most awkward, uncertain exchange of meaningless hello's ever.
so after a short, unpleasant trip down memory lane, accompanied by a litany of "why would i ever hook up with him" running through my head, i had the meeting with the department head. unfortunately i also needed a degree audit, which he forgot to mention, so i looked like an unprepared idiot. now i'm sweating because i've been rushing around, i'm embarrassed that i'm not prepared, and it's extremely freaking hot in his office. so i'm uncomfortable, pissed off, and ready to scream.
the meeting finally ended and i had to run quickly to another meeting to work on a presentation for class. when that was over i had to rush home to shower, change, and do my hair for my costume. needless to say i was not in the mood for halloween.
dead sober, we headed over to my roomate's friend's house where we waited for the girls to finish getting ready. i'm stupid and had worn heels with my costume so my feet were killing me already....and it had only been 20 minutes. we then proceeded to walk to the bar which caused my feet to start crying. when we got to the bar it was so crowded that my manager/best friend asked me to help out. so i couldn't even get drunk because i ended up bartending the entire night. in heels.
all of this resulted in me coming home and blasting "It's Just One of Those Days" by Limp Biskit.
yeesh.
first, i had a ton of stuff to do. but i was organized. i had a plan. or so i thought.
second, i lost the form i needed to get signed right before the meeting i had scheduled to get it signed. so i had to run to a different building to get the form and then run back so i wasn't late to the meeting.
guess who i see in the hallway on my way to pick up the form?
oh yeah. Best Friend Hookup.
and we were all alone in the hallway so there was no possible way i could just walk past.
talk about the most awkward, uncertain exchange of meaningless hello's ever.
so after a short, unpleasant trip down memory lane, accompanied by a litany of "why would i ever hook up with him" running through my head, i had the meeting with the department head. unfortunately i also needed a degree audit, which he forgot to mention, so i looked like an unprepared idiot. now i'm sweating because i've been rushing around, i'm embarrassed that i'm not prepared, and it's extremely freaking hot in his office. so i'm uncomfortable, pissed off, and ready to scream.
the meeting finally ended and i had to run quickly to another meeting to work on a presentation for class. when that was over i had to rush home to shower, change, and do my hair for my costume. needless to say i was not in the mood for halloween.
dead sober, we headed over to my roomate's friend's house where we waited for the girls to finish getting ready. i'm stupid and had worn heels with my costume so my feet were killing me already....and it had only been 20 minutes. we then proceeded to walk to the bar which caused my feet to start crying. when we got to the bar it was so crowded that my manager/best friend asked me to help out. so i couldn't even get drunk because i ended up bartending the entire night. in heels.
all of this resulted in me coming home and blasting "It's Just One of Those Days" by Limp Biskit.
yeesh.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
a terrible set-up
i see so many of my girlfriends stuck in the same position lately. they like a guy who they think likes them, and the guy really acts like he likes them....but the relationship doesn't go anywhere. it's like they're standing still while everything is moving a hundred miles an hour around them.
really...that feeling sucks.
i think every girl has been in that unbearably frustrating situation. where you constantly second guess yourself and him. you feel like you have control but the situation is actually completely out of your hands. you lie awake at night wondering why he's not calling you, if he is thinking about you right now like you are thinking about him, if he likes you at all or if it's just a hookup, and on and on it goes in an endless circle in your head until you want to scream with frustration.
it's awful because we are programmed as girls to not be able to get over a situation like that. we need a resolution and when guys don't give us this resolution, they put us in a rut. a rut so deep that it's a long, hard, and backsliding climb out. it's painful, erodes at our self-esteem, and makes us vulnerable to the exact same situation that we just extracted ourselves from. so really, guys are perpetuating a vicious cycle.
i see this...
and i am terrified to let myself become open again.
really...that feeling sucks.
i think every girl has been in that unbearably frustrating situation. where you constantly second guess yourself and him. you feel like you have control but the situation is actually completely out of your hands. you lie awake at night wondering why he's not calling you, if he is thinking about you right now like you are thinking about him, if he likes you at all or if it's just a hookup, and on and on it goes in an endless circle in your head until you want to scream with frustration.
it's awful because we are programmed as girls to not be able to get over a situation like that. we need a resolution and when guys don't give us this resolution, they put us in a rut. a rut so deep that it's a long, hard, and backsliding climb out. it's painful, erodes at our self-esteem, and makes us vulnerable to the exact same situation that we just extracted ourselves from. so really, guys are perpetuating a vicious cycle.
i see this...
and i am terrified to let myself become open again.
Monday, October 30, 2006
an opportunity
i am giving Red Head a chance. not a life committment. not a relationship. not even a date.
a chance.
i am NOT going to get attached. i am going to be cool, calm, collected, and most importantly in control. this will be something fun. something that will not get serious. i will not be backed into a corner and i will retain my freedom.
still....
i'm scared.
a chance.
i am NOT going to get attached. i am going to be cool, calm, collected, and most importantly in control. this will be something fun. something that will not get serious. i will not be backed into a corner and i will retain my freedom.
still....
i'm scared.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
the two extremes
i love being single. the rush, the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen each night i go out. the anticipation that something wonderful is just around the corner, and the fun and flirty conversations with new guys. it's amazing not being tied down, or knowing the routine of your day. it's a challenge to get dressed up for someone you don't know, and then pit your femininity against all the other girls out, coming out on top.
then there is the freedom of no strings. the instant flare of heat and attraction between me and an unknown guy. the spark of eye contact, the give and take of conversation, and the tingle of the new and mysterious. sometimes i need the flame and passion of a random hookup---made all the more intense for it's ability to happen unexpectedly and then vanish after one night.
but when i lay in bed alone at night, i miss the sweetness of a relationship. i remember the comfort of knowing who to call at the end of the night, and the tenderness in his eyes when i woke up to him watching me sleep. i miss the gentleness of his fingers when brushing my hair back, and the knowledge that when he looked at me, i was all he saw. it's lonely not to know another's body as intimately as yours....to know that you fit just right there, and that he likes to sleep on his stomach.
so yeah i love being single. it's a blast.
but i could use a little sweetness now and then.
then there is the freedom of no strings. the instant flare of heat and attraction between me and an unknown guy. the spark of eye contact, the give and take of conversation, and the tingle of the new and mysterious. sometimes i need the flame and passion of a random hookup---made all the more intense for it's ability to happen unexpectedly and then vanish after one night.
but when i lay in bed alone at night, i miss the sweetness of a relationship. i remember the comfort of knowing who to call at the end of the night, and the tenderness in his eyes when i woke up to him watching me sleep. i miss the gentleness of his fingers when brushing my hair back, and the knowledge that when he looked at me, i was all he saw. it's lonely not to know another's body as intimately as yours....to know that you fit just right there, and that he likes to sleep on his stomach.
so yeah i love being single. it's a blast.
but i could use a little sweetness now and then.
my only true love
i have a desperate love affair with music. it's been an ongoing thing since i figured out what lyrics and melody were. i'm always playing it, day in and day out. when i'm getting ready, when i'm about to sleep, when i'm angry, when i'm sad, when i'm happy, and when i have too much energy to sit still. i listen to soft and sweet, slow and stirring, the achingly beautiful. i'll play the romantic and tender, yet also the rhytmic, bumping dance beats. to me lyrics and melody are another kind of poetry.
music is one of the ways i can express inside of me what sometimes has no words. i have no musical talent whatsoever. but something about picking the right song to listen to does wonders for my internal balance and equilibrium.
and i found that the song i am in the mood for usually tells me something about myself that i've been unaware of. gotta love music. something wonderful to listen to while learning about myself.
time for some snow patrol.
music is one of the ways i can express inside of me what sometimes has no words. i have no musical talent whatsoever. but something about picking the right song to listen to does wonders for my internal balance and equilibrium.
and i found that the song i am in the mood for usually tells me something about myself that i've been unaware of. gotta love music. something wonderful to listen to while learning about myself.
time for some snow patrol.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
a hate love relationship
one would think, by looking at previous posts, that i hate guys.
that is completely and totally false.
i adore guys. really. i love the way they're stronger than us. i love it when they're protective. i'm crazy about how they smell and the way our heads fit right under their chin. i love how they are so tough on the outside, but at one gesture from us they turn into a absolute teddy bear. i love the fact that once you make them commit, they love you completely, tenderly, and fiercely with no holds barred. i love their loyalty. i'm fascinated by their 5 o'clock shadow, and the way it can make a baby face turn into a rugged man. i like their confidence, their different way of looking at things, and the fact that their sense of humor can send me rolling on the floor into hysterics.
i love the way they walk and how their arms pull us in close and tight. i like it when they sweat, and how what you see is what you get. their clothes are always more comfortable and warmer than ours, and somehow manage to look cuter on us as well. the way they curl us into them in bed makes me go all soft inside. i love the way they grin, like they know you can't stay mad at them because they're so damn cute that you have to forgive them. i love how their bodies are shaped differently from ours, hard and muscular. i love how they can make us want to jump their bones by looking at us a certain way. i love the passion and attraction they inspire. i love the random thoughtful things they do. i love their attitude, their anger, their sense of fun, their cockiness, and their aggressiveness.
so yeah...i definitely do not hate guys.
far from it.
i just wish they would pull their heads out of their asses every once in a while.
that is completely and totally false.
i adore guys. really. i love the way they're stronger than us. i love it when they're protective. i'm crazy about how they smell and the way our heads fit right under their chin. i love how they are so tough on the outside, but at one gesture from us they turn into a absolute teddy bear. i love the fact that once you make them commit, they love you completely, tenderly, and fiercely with no holds barred. i love their loyalty. i'm fascinated by their 5 o'clock shadow, and the way it can make a baby face turn into a rugged man. i like their confidence, their different way of looking at things, and the fact that their sense of humor can send me rolling on the floor into hysterics.
i love the way they walk and how their arms pull us in close and tight. i like it when they sweat, and how what you see is what you get. their clothes are always more comfortable and warmer than ours, and somehow manage to look cuter on us as well. the way they curl us into them in bed makes me go all soft inside. i love the way they grin, like they know you can't stay mad at them because they're so damn cute that you have to forgive them. i love how their bodies are shaped differently from ours, hard and muscular. i love how they can make us want to jump their bones by looking at us a certain way. i love the passion and attraction they inspire. i love the random thoughtful things they do. i love their attitude, their anger, their sense of fun, their cockiness, and their aggressiveness.
so yeah...i definitely do not hate guys.
far from it.
i just wish they would pull their heads out of their asses every once in a while.
i am a mess
i am a very go with the flow person. i don't like planning in advance, and i hate being hemmed in by things set in stone.
which is probably why relationships and any kind of boundaries scare the bejesus out of me.
which also makes me a very hard person to date/get-to-know/see.
so maybe the problem isn't only with guys. i'm man..*ahem*...woman enough to admit that i might be part of the problem.
i am a walking contradiction. i want the stability and comfort of a relationship but not the restrictions. i want the dependency and familiarity with one person but not the boredom of the same old thing day in and day out. i want to be independent but i hate loneliness. i am not built for meaningless hook-ups or one night stands, yet as soon as something starts to look meaningful i run away.
i like being free and single. but i hate feeling so alone.
i need to find a way to resolve these conflicts because all they're doing is subtly sabotaging every relationship i have before it even starts.
which is probably why relationships and any kind of boundaries scare the bejesus out of me.
which also makes me a very hard person to date/get-to-know/see.
so maybe the problem isn't only with guys. i'm man..*ahem*...woman enough to admit that i might be part of the problem.
i am a walking contradiction. i want the stability and comfort of a relationship but not the restrictions. i want the dependency and familiarity with one person but not the boredom of the same old thing day in and day out. i want to be independent but i hate loneliness. i am not built for meaningless hook-ups or one night stands, yet as soon as something starts to look meaningful i run away.
i like being free and single. but i hate feeling so alone.
i need to find a way to resolve these conflicts because all they're doing is subtly sabotaging every relationship i have before it even starts.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
a marvelous virtue
Guys want to know the magic secret. what brings a girl's pants down faster than alcohol and having to pee really badly. well i've got it. and i can say it in one word.
chivalry.
that's it. as simple and apparently as complicated as that. you want a girl to remember you, to think you're original and special, to want to take you home so badly that she'd drag you back by your shoes if it wasn't a slutty thing to do?
be a nice guy. be a gentleman. do the white knight thing. don't be overbearing and don't try to do it so that we notice. don't buy me a drink and expect me to fall over in gratitude. don't talk about the great things you do or how you "respect" girls. one, i'm not going to believe it, especially in a bar, and two i'm probably going to hear you pull that line three minutes later after i finish the drink you bought me and walk away. that will not get you anywhere...or anywhere with a girl that is actually worth something.
i'm talking about action fellas. the opening of the doors, the giving up of seats, the motion for girls to go first. the genuine interest, the eye contact above my neck, and the confident, protective guy-ness. those non-verbal gestures and body language are what we pick up on. we're smarter than you think. we might fall for pretty words at first, but the actions make or break you.
i would give anything to have a guy stand up for me.
to make me feel like i'm precious and valuable.
and if he did....i would have him home in my bed faster than you can say "laid".
chivalry.
that's it. as simple and apparently as complicated as that. you want a girl to remember you, to think you're original and special, to want to take you home so badly that she'd drag you back by your shoes if it wasn't a slutty thing to do?
be a nice guy. be a gentleman. do the white knight thing. don't be overbearing and don't try to do it so that we notice. don't buy me a drink and expect me to fall over in gratitude. don't talk about the great things you do or how you "respect" girls. one, i'm not going to believe it, especially in a bar, and two i'm probably going to hear you pull that line three minutes later after i finish the drink you bought me and walk away. that will not get you anywhere...or anywhere with a girl that is actually worth something.
i'm talking about action fellas. the opening of the doors, the giving up of seats, the motion for girls to go first. the genuine interest, the eye contact above my neck, and the confident, protective guy-ness. those non-verbal gestures and body language are what we pick up on. we're smarter than you think. we might fall for pretty words at first, but the actions make or break you.
i would give anything to have a guy stand up for me.
to make me feel like i'm precious and valuable.
and if he did....i would have him home in my bed faster than you can say "laid".
Monday, October 23, 2006
why i love it
writing is not easy. it is work. it takes time, effort, and determination. i don't care what you think---writing doesn't come out as easy as breathing, nor is it something you can just plop down and do. a true writer is constantly revising, perfecting, changing, and starting over. a true writer is never satisfied with their work. a true writer is their own harshest critic. a true writer thinks that they are the worst writer in the world.
writing takes a lot out of you. it's so difficult to write about an event or a thought, and somehow convey the very experience to a reader. it's exhausting trying to find the right words to make things jump off the page at you, to capture all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that were veering crazily through your head at the time, to convey the very soul of something.
most days i dread the thought of sitting down and trying to write, of anticipating the struggle i am going to have with words and sentences. then there are days where i am so full of words that they bubble out from my fingers onto my computer. most of the time writing is a battle, a grapple with memory and letters and emotion.
it's draining and uncomfortable and sometimes doesn't feel worth it. especially when you cannot seem to strip away the crap and expose the gold underneath.
but there's something about seeing words you sweated over on the page. you get a little glow somwhere around the vicinity of your chest.
that....that little glow is what it's all about.
the struggle is what makes it worth it.
writing takes a lot out of you. it's so difficult to write about an event or a thought, and somehow convey the very experience to a reader. it's exhausting trying to find the right words to make things jump off the page at you, to capture all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that were veering crazily through your head at the time, to convey the very soul of something.
most days i dread the thought of sitting down and trying to write, of anticipating the struggle i am going to have with words and sentences. then there are days where i am so full of words that they bubble out from my fingers onto my computer. most of the time writing is a battle, a grapple with memory and letters and emotion.
it's draining and uncomfortable and sometimes doesn't feel worth it. especially when you cannot seem to strip away the crap and expose the gold underneath.
but there's something about seeing words you sweated over on the page. you get a little glow somwhere around the vicinity of your chest.
that....that little glow is what it's all about.
the struggle is what makes it worth it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
love that
Song to listen to:
"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin.
Full of that punk rock teen angst, and gorgeous, poetic lyrics.
gets me every time.
"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin.
Full of that punk rock teen angst, and gorgeous, poetic lyrics.
gets me every time.
a busy little bee
i had an extremely productive day today.
i ran. as in exercise running. i forgot how out of shape i am, which means i'll have to work on that, and i also forgot how good i feel after. so that is hopefully becoming part of my agenda.
i had a meeting with career services to start figuring out my life. the lady was extremely nice and helpful, but it's still all extremely overwhelming. apparently life itself is overwhelming. but i'm excited to look into the fields that i might be spending the rest of my life working in.
i also received the employee of the month award at my on-campus job. not really a huge deal but it's nice to know my efforts are appreciates, even if it doesn't always seem that way.
i am going to cap off the night with drinks and debauchery.
i have to....i'm proud of myself.
i ran. as in exercise running. i forgot how out of shape i am, which means i'll have to work on that, and i also forgot how good i feel after. so that is hopefully becoming part of my agenda.
i had a meeting with career services to start figuring out my life. the lady was extremely nice and helpful, but it's still all extremely overwhelming. apparently life itself is overwhelming. but i'm excited to look into the fields that i might be spending the rest of my life working in.
i also received the employee of the month award at my on-campus job. not really a huge deal but it's nice to know my efforts are appreciates, even if it doesn't always seem that way.
i am going to cap off the night with drinks and debauchery.
i have to....i'm proud of myself.
Monday, October 16, 2006
just another life lesson
The whole Best Friend Hookup thing is definitely over. he has not talked to me in two weeks now. i even made the executive decision to take him out of my phone, because i am not cool with drunk texting him in my weak moments, (always a bad, psycho/stupid girl move.) i just have one question. may i ask why guys, college guys in particular, pull this whole hot and cold thing? i am extremely confused with this whole phenomenon. you would think by now guys would be mature enough to just talk to us girls.
Help me to understand how a girl can hook up with a guy, not a serious or dangerous hookup by any means, hang out with him two times later that week, have a blast, joke around, and then have the same guy who was so interested stop talking to her completely? it's hurtful, people. it's confusing and immature and errodes at the self-esteem.
When i asked a friend of his what the deal was, or what he thought the deal was, with Best Friend, his response was "Best Friend Hookup has issues".
FUCK issues.
everyone has issues.
i can't even begin to list my own.
yet i can still function socially and with respect to other people.
i hate it when people hide behind the fact that they have "issues" or they're "damaged" and incapable of acting maturely. everyone is damaged and twisted inside. it's what happens when you live life. what counts is how you act despite that damage.
if he wasn't interested he should have just said so. it's really that simple. and that courteous. yeah i would have been a little taken aback but it's better than letting me wonder, and wallow in my own self-pity and doubt.
Because i'm better than that. i'm better than how he treats me. hell, i'm better than him if this is how he acts. i deserve the respect that he refuses to give me, or is just too damn stupid to give me. he should be able to recognize that i am a cool and unique person, one who wasn't going to freak out on him or demand impossible things.
obviously he didn't know me at all. which is sad considering we were best friends at one point. i'm also upset with the fact that maybe i didn't know the person he was either. so we both learned something from this little episode. i've learned that i don't need that type of shit anymore from guys. i have no tolerance for it, and it's a waste of my time. i hope he eventually figures out what he wants, and doesn't go through the rest of life emotionally farting on people.
and i'm still petty enough to hope that he regrets this missed opportunity like hell.
Help me to understand how a girl can hook up with a guy, not a serious or dangerous hookup by any means, hang out with him two times later that week, have a blast, joke around, and then have the same guy who was so interested stop talking to her completely? it's hurtful, people. it's confusing and immature and errodes at the self-esteem.
When i asked a friend of his what the deal was, or what he thought the deal was, with Best Friend, his response was "Best Friend Hookup has issues".
FUCK issues.
everyone has issues.
i can't even begin to list my own.
yet i can still function socially and with respect to other people.
i hate it when people hide behind the fact that they have "issues" or they're "damaged" and incapable of acting maturely. everyone is damaged and twisted inside. it's what happens when you live life. what counts is how you act despite that damage.
if he wasn't interested he should have just said so. it's really that simple. and that courteous. yeah i would have been a little taken aback but it's better than letting me wonder, and wallow in my own self-pity and doubt.
Because i'm better than that. i'm better than how he treats me. hell, i'm better than him if this is how he acts. i deserve the respect that he refuses to give me, or is just too damn stupid to give me. he should be able to recognize that i am a cool and unique person, one who wasn't going to freak out on him or demand impossible things.
obviously he didn't know me at all. which is sad considering we were best friends at one point. i'm also upset with the fact that maybe i didn't know the person he was either. so we both learned something from this little episode. i've learned that i don't need that type of shit anymore from guys. i have no tolerance for it, and it's a waste of my time. i hope he eventually figures out what he wants, and doesn't go through the rest of life emotionally farting on people.
and i'm still petty enough to hope that he regrets this missed opportunity like hell.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
A movie moment?
The entire night last night i was drinking just to get drunk. i was doing this because i was not motivated to go out in the first place, i was in a stupid funk i could not get out of, and i was pissed off/confused about my boy situation. Which is completely fucked by the way (more on that to come). so my night was pretty much sabotaged from the beginning.
i did not see the Best Friend Hookup all night, and received no texts/call from him. This angered me and destroyed my self-esteem further. but what completely capped off my night happened in the last five minutes.
To set up the scene, i accomplished my mission of getting drunk. i accomplished it so well and with such determination that i had to leave the bar before it closed because i was starting to get nauseous. So one of my friends, Red Head, offers to walk me home. since we are such good friends i thought nothing of it. Wrong.
i'm so drunk at this point i don't even want to go to late night to possibly see the Best Friend Hookup, who i had already drunkenly texted like a stupid stupid girl. Did i mention that Best Friend and Red Head are teammates...on the lacrosse team? oh yeah. My life looks like a effin' Greek tragedy.
But i digress.
Since i do not want to go to late night, and have drunkenly explained why to Red Head (which he apparently knew all about anyways), i decide to cut my losses and head home. Red Head says he just wants to go home too, and offers to walk me back since we live in the same apartment building. Once again, since we are good friends i think nothing of it. Wrong AGAIN.
We head back to his aparment because i thought all the guys who live with him were going to be up to party. unfortunately everyone was asleep, so me and Red Head just ended up hanging out on the couch talking for 20 minutes. All i desperately wanted to do was pass out, so i said goodnight to Red Head and walked upstairs.
I managed to get upstairs and close the apartment door. I walk through the common room and get to my bedroom door when i hear a knock. Thinking that one of my roomates must have forgotten her ID to get into the apartment, i open up the door without even looking through the peephole.
It's Red Head.
"Hey, I just wanted to do one thing"
He cups my face and kisses me. At this point i am so wasted and so surprised i just let it happen. And then because i am drunk, pissed off, and lonely, i start kissing him back. All during this event, the fact that this kiss is coming out of nowhere, and it's Best Friend Hookup's teammate is the only thing running through my head. We break apart, and i just stare at him.
"Sorry, I just wanted to do that"
"For how long?" is the only question i thought to ask.
"I don't know, i don't know" Red Head answers.
"Well, goodnight"
And he goes in again. and i respond again. by now i had no idea what was going on with my life and was just going with the flow. i pull away and say "Goodnight Red Head" and close the door.
I then proceed to freak out.
and all i can think is that i just have just stayed in.
i did not see the Best Friend Hookup all night, and received no texts/call from him. This angered me and destroyed my self-esteem further. but what completely capped off my night happened in the last five minutes.
To set up the scene, i accomplished my mission of getting drunk. i accomplished it so well and with such determination that i had to leave the bar before it closed because i was starting to get nauseous. So one of my friends, Red Head, offers to walk me home. since we are such good friends i thought nothing of it. Wrong.
i'm so drunk at this point i don't even want to go to late night to possibly see the Best Friend Hookup, who i had already drunkenly texted like a stupid stupid girl. Did i mention that Best Friend and Red Head are teammates...on the lacrosse team? oh yeah. My life looks like a effin' Greek tragedy.
But i digress.
Since i do not want to go to late night, and have drunkenly explained why to Red Head (which he apparently knew all about anyways), i decide to cut my losses and head home. Red Head says he just wants to go home too, and offers to walk me back since we live in the same apartment building. Once again, since we are good friends i think nothing of it. Wrong AGAIN.
We head back to his aparment because i thought all the guys who live with him were going to be up to party. unfortunately everyone was asleep, so me and Red Head just ended up hanging out on the couch talking for 20 minutes. All i desperately wanted to do was pass out, so i said goodnight to Red Head and walked upstairs.
I managed to get upstairs and close the apartment door. I walk through the common room and get to my bedroom door when i hear a knock. Thinking that one of my roomates must have forgotten her ID to get into the apartment, i open up the door without even looking through the peephole.
It's Red Head.
"Hey, I just wanted to do one thing"
He cups my face and kisses me. At this point i am so wasted and so surprised i just let it happen. And then because i am drunk, pissed off, and lonely, i start kissing him back. All during this event, the fact that this kiss is coming out of nowhere, and it's Best Friend Hookup's teammate is the only thing running through my head. We break apart, and i just stare at him.
"Sorry, I just wanted to do that"
"For how long?" is the only question i thought to ask.
"I don't know, i don't know" Red Head answers.
"Well, goodnight"
And he goes in again. and i respond again. by now i had no idea what was going on with my life and was just going with the flow. i pull away and say "Goodnight Red Head" and close the door.
I then proceed to freak out.
and all i can think is that i just have just stayed in.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
what i'm waiting for
something about listening to john mayer always brings the issue of boy/girl interactions to mind. he's in the background crooning about not being really ready, or together, and how his heart is still unsteady.
that's me.
my heart is very unsteady, and yet ready to jump of the training wheels into a relationship again. i wish i could tell it that i'm not ready, and that foolishly when i'm single i will always yearn for something meaningful. unfortunately i don't want a meaningful something with just one person...but a series of meaningful moments with multiple people.
my roomate told me that i am "the type of person who is meant for a soulmate, a grand passion". Apparently i got saddled with the impossible desire and makeup that destines me for one person. i am constantly searching for that one person who embodies all that is attractive to me, someone that i dream about.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to stay with one person, or even to really know if i've ever been in love. i am waiting for that someone who will make eye contact with me, and cause a chill to rush down my spine. someone who with one touch can make my skin spark, and my pulse jump.
So i cycle through different guys and sometimes i get caught up in the moment, and convince myself that maybe if i date them for a while, that feeling will come. Now, i'm going to try a different approach. i am going to stop trying to so hard. i am going to stop trying to fix others, and try to uncover in them what wasn't there in the first place.
The hard part is anticipating and imagining the wonder of the moment, and to be patient enough to let it happen.
that's me.
my heart is very unsteady, and yet ready to jump of the training wheels into a relationship again. i wish i could tell it that i'm not ready, and that foolishly when i'm single i will always yearn for something meaningful. unfortunately i don't want a meaningful something with just one person...but a series of meaningful moments with multiple people.
my roomate told me that i am "the type of person who is meant for a soulmate, a grand passion". Apparently i got saddled with the impossible desire and makeup that destines me for one person. i am constantly searching for that one person who embodies all that is attractive to me, someone that i dream about.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to stay with one person, or even to really know if i've ever been in love. i am waiting for that someone who will make eye contact with me, and cause a chill to rush down my spine. someone who with one touch can make my skin spark, and my pulse jump.
So i cycle through different guys and sometimes i get caught up in the moment, and convince myself that maybe if i date them for a while, that feeling will come. Now, i'm going to try a different approach. i am going to stop trying to so hard. i am going to stop trying to fix others, and try to uncover in them what wasn't there in the first place.
The hard part is anticipating and imagining the wonder of the moment, and to be patient enough to let it happen.
no plans
i feel like i have no direction...boywise, lifewise, or moneywise.
i'm still fresh out of a recent breakup and the world of singledom is scary and fascinating. i'm just trying to keep myself from bingeing on multiple boys in a destructive way.
The last thing i want to do is get involved in something messy again.
i'm still fresh out of a recent breakup and the world of singledom is scary and fascinating. i'm just trying to keep myself from bingeing on multiple boys in a destructive way.
The last thing i want to do is get involved in something messy again.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Me times two
Are you friends with someone that makes you...more you?
That's what happened this weekend. My best friend from home came up and things just got crazy. Alcohol tastes better, shots went down eaiser, things were just more fun. It was one of those weekends when everything just worked out. We went to the right bars, we got wasted but not so wasted the night was ruined, and we danced our little asses off.
It's because me and her are so similiar, and so when we get together we play off each other and end up full of energy and fun. I am so full of life with her that i'm surprised i don't glow. and i think people notice and are drawn to it.
so it was awesome. the sort of awesome that words can't do justice too.
That's what happened this weekend. My best friend from home came up and things just got crazy. Alcohol tastes better, shots went down eaiser, things were just more fun. It was one of those weekends when everything just worked out. We went to the right bars, we got wasted but not so wasted the night was ruined, and we danced our little asses off.
It's because me and her are so similiar, and so when we get together we play off each other and end up full of energy and fun. I am so full of life with her that i'm surprised i don't glow. and i think people notice and are drawn to it.
so it was awesome. the sort of awesome that words can't do justice too.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
a potential something??
everything is so much more intimate in the dark.
your flaws are invisible or softened. the unspoken becomes heavy with meaning, and the words that are spoken are soft and rich. people are more gentle and tentative in the dark. girls become more confident and guys feel more comfortable being sweet.
promises are made in the dark.
which is why now i'm uncertain if i read too much into the hookup with the Best Friend.
Because even though promises and sweetness are exchanged in the dark, they usually wither in the light.
your flaws are invisible or softened. the unspoken becomes heavy with meaning, and the words that are spoken are soft and rich. people are more gentle and tentative in the dark. girls become more confident and guys feel more comfortable being sweet.
promises are made in the dark.
which is why now i'm uncertain if i read too much into the hookup with the Best Friend.
Because even though promises and sweetness are exchanged in the dark, they usually wither in the light.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
no idea what i'm doing
i am a dirty dirty slut.
what kind of emotionally f'ed up girl hooks up with one of her best friends a week after she breaks up with a boyfriend who is still desperately in love with her?
oh that's right...(*spotlight swings to me*)
::sigh::
i need a babysitter.
what kind of emotionally f'ed up girl hooks up with one of her best friends a week after she breaks up with a boyfriend who is still desperately in love with her?
oh that's right...(*spotlight swings to me*)
::sigh::
i need a babysitter.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
look at the damage i've caused
i broke up with my boyfriend on friday.
i'm numb. but with a hollow empty sort of feeling in my stomach.
i'm unhappy...but i don't think being with him again would make me happy. it would be a comfortable escape, putting off the time when i would have to hurt him again.
and i hurt him.
oh, how i hurt him.
the thing is, our relationship was good. we didn't break up because of cheating, or fighting, or instability. we broke up because i became confused about my feelings, and didn't know if i could handle a relationship while back at school when he was not there.
i cried hysterically when i did it. but not for me, for him. for the fact that something inside me is so messed up and twisted that in every relationship i just shut down emotionally and can't give anymore. it gets to a certain point, i freak out or talk myself into breaking it off, and then i run like hell the other way.
he is a great guy. he treats me like gold. and even after i broke his heart like a glass bowl, he offered the shards to me. he is still so in love with me, that's it's painful to listen to what he will settle for from me.
i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. yet i can't seem to help it.
i'm numb. but with a hollow empty sort of feeling in my stomach.
i'm unhappy...but i don't think being with him again would make me happy. it would be a comfortable escape, putting off the time when i would have to hurt him again.
and i hurt him.
oh, how i hurt him.
the thing is, our relationship was good. we didn't break up because of cheating, or fighting, or instability. we broke up because i became confused about my feelings, and didn't know if i could handle a relationship while back at school when he was not there.
i cried hysterically when i did it. but not for me, for him. for the fact that something inside me is so messed up and twisted that in every relationship i just shut down emotionally and can't give anymore. it gets to a certain point, i freak out or talk myself into breaking it off, and then i run like hell the other way.
he is a great guy. he treats me like gold. and even after i broke his heart like a glass bowl, he offered the shards to me. he is still so in love with me, that's it's painful to listen to what he will settle for from me.
i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. yet i can't seem to help it.
Friday, September 22, 2006
stop this!!
oh no...i just had an attack of the singles tonight...that feeling you get when you're in a relationship and you really really want to be single.
yeah that feeling.
sigh.
what am i doing?
yeah that feeling.
sigh.
what am i doing?
Thursday, September 21, 2006
a moment of silence
i love when my apartment is quiet with no one in it. it's peaceful and allows me to think. yet the silence also holds so many possibilites---of laughter when the roomates are back, and conversations that have yet to happen.
i need alone time. me time. more than most i think. however living with someone always around has taught me to deepen my tolerance for people, and to treasure when i am alone.
on another note...it's already thursday, which is significant for more than one reason. it's one of the major drinking nights of the week, an awesome band is playing tonight at one of the local bars, and most importantly (and probably most pathetically) the new season of grey's anatomy begins tonight!
i know, i know. this is the only T.V. show i watch seriously though. if you don't know about it yet, catch it at nine....amazing soliloquys by the main character.
i am all aflutter with anticipation.
i need alone time. me time. more than most i think. however living with someone always around has taught me to deepen my tolerance for people, and to treasure when i am alone.
on another note...it's already thursday, which is significant for more than one reason. it's one of the major drinking nights of the week, an awesome band is playing tonight at one of the local bars, and most importantly (and probably most pathetically) the new season of grey's anatomy begins tonight!
i know, i know. this is the only T.V. show i watch seriously though. if you don't know about it yet, catch it at nine....amazing soliloquys by the main character.
i am all aflutter with anticipation.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
another couple beginnings
i have begun a new chapter. ever since i got back to school i've been feeling sluggish and out-of-sorts. so i've come up with a plan.
i'm starting a diet. but not so much a diet as a plan for eating better, and not sitting around and eating crap and sugars because i'm bored. i also started exercising again because i'm not used to and i hate being out of shape.
i am promising myself i am sticking to this plan.
i even wrote it down and everything.
i feel optimistic.
so here goes.
i'm starting a diet. but not so much a diet as a plan for eating better, and not sitting around and eating crap and sugars because i'm bored. i also started exercising again because i'm not used to and i hate being out of shape.
i am promising myself i am sticking to this plan.
i even wrote it down and everything.
i feel optimistic.
so here goes.
Monday, September 18, 2006
a new level of drunkeness
last night i got "freshmen" wasted. and by "freshmen" wasted, i mean so drunk that everything is hysterical and fresh and new, and by the end of the night you can't walk straight.
i love random nights like that where you don't really plan on where you're going and stuff just begins to happen. you can't plan things like me being unable to pronounce my guy friends' names. you can't forsee ridiculous beirut games and the "boob" rack. there is no possible way to imagine one of our friends getting written up for pissing outside, eating pizza in front of our apartment building, or a dance party to start everything off on the right foot. you can't expect to have deep belly laughs, or a general great feeling.
that's the magic of a good night.
i love random nights like that where you don't really plan on where you're going and stuff just begins to happen. you can't plan things like me being unable to pronounce my guy friends' names. you can't forsee ridiculous beirut games and the "boob" rack. there is no possible way to imagine one of our friends getting written up for pissing outside, eating pizza in front of our apartment building, or a dance party to start everything off on the right foot. you can't expect to have deep belly laughs, or a general great feeling.
that's the magic of a good night.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
reality strikes...multiple times
i have SO MUCH TO DO. and the sad thing is that it doesn't even include day to day work or class assignments. i'm talking about goals for the year. just a couple things i have to accomplish:
-planning a wedding anniversary surprise party for my parents by May.
-planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my Dad by September.
-come up with something clever and funny for my Dad's party to showcase...also by September.
-decide what i want to do about grad school.
-decide what i want to do with my life in general.
-save up for a car.
-save up for an apartment.
-get through my senior year without throwing a tantrum about having to leave..forever.
ugh. just looking at that makes me want to hide under my covers and never come out.
-planning a wedding anniversary surprise party for my parents by May.
-planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my Dad by September.
-come up with something clever and funny for my Dad's party to showcase...also by September.
-decide what i want to do about grad school.
-decide what i want to do with my life in general.
-save up for a car.
-save up for an apartment.
-get through my senior year without throwing a tantrum about having to leave..forever.
ugh. just looking at that makes me want to hide under my covers and never come out.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
insight
"Love is only truly love,
when it considers the good of the one loved,
and the needs of the one who loves"
when it considers the good of the one loved,
and the needs of the one who loves"
Monday, September 11, 2006
come again?
i need to organize my life desperately.
i have so many things, people, and events hitting me at once that i feel swamped already...and i've only been back at school one week.
i can't complain though. i love steeping myself in life and frantic activity.
i'm just trying not to get overwhelmed.
i have so many things, people, and events hitting me at once that i feel swamped already...and i've only been back at school one week.
i can't complain though. i love steeping myself in life and frantic activity.
i'm just trying not to get overwhelmed.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
a great boyfriend....right?
it's the truth really. my current boyfriend is so good to me. even though he has these little faults that drive me crazy, he has so many good qualities that offset that. he's kind, funny, smart, and successful. and he loves me to distraction.
so why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?
the thing is...my heart doesn't jump when i see him. and when i'm looking at a serious commitment, shouldn't that be a red flag? i feel like we're puzzle pieces that, at first glance, look like a perfect fit. you match them up, and everyone is convinced that they are the right pieces. however, when you actually try to put them into the puzzle, the fit isn't ....quite...right. thats how i feel. that my boyfriend and i just aren't quite the right fit.
but i'm going to give this a shot. because edges can be shaved and corners can be cut to make a fit.
i just hope i don't completely lose my individual shape by trying to make this relationship work.
so why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?
the thing is...my heart doesn't jump when i see him. and when i'm looking at a serious commitment, shouldn't that be a red flag? i feel like we're puzzle pieces that, at first glance, look like a perfect fit. you match them up, and everyone is convinced that they are the right pieces. however, when you actually try to put them into the puzzle, the fit isn't ....quite...right. thats how i feel. that my boyfriend and i just aren't quite the right fit.
but i'm going to give this a shot. because edges can be shaved and corners can be cut to make a fit.
i just hope i don't completely lose my individual shape by trying to make this relationship work.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
more on the alum
Last night was a disaster in every which way. i started out with a draft because i wanted to be out, but not incapacitated. that went out the window as soon as one of my friends, who is also (unfortunately for me) the bartender, gave me a pitcher...to myself. With my plan on staying sober shot to hell, i concentrated on getting as plastered as i could.
this process led to two beirut games, me almost having a freshman kicked out, shouting, a journey to another bar, and late night vip at brad's cafe---a local college bar.
flirtacious text messaging was exchanged with the alumni. *sigh* a call to the boyfriend was also made, either because i was drunk and missed him or to assauge the guilt. i can't figure out which, meaning that this situation is getting more complicated by the moment and should probably dropped immediately.
hopefully tonight i will try to keep the remaining pieces of my dignity and stay somewhat coherent, which in turn should keep the lid on bad decisions.
this process led to two beirut games, me almost having a freshman kicked out, shouting, a journey to another bar, and late night vip at brad's cafe---a local college bar.
flirtacious text messaging was exchanged with the alumni. *sigh* a call to the boyfriend was also made, either because i was drunk and missed him or to assauge the guilt. i can't figure out which, meaning that this situation is getting more complicated by the moment and should probably dropped immediately.
hopefully tonight i will try to keep the remaining pieces of my dignity and stay somewhat coherent, which in turn should keep the lid on bad decisions.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
sweet sweet temptation
i am terrible at resisting compliments. more so than most. especially when they come from males. When a guy begins to compliment me, i fantasize. i think, "hey, he probably really means this. he sounds so sincere. what would we be like together? i bet we would be an awesome couple. i bet he's a good kisser..." and so on and so forth. these tangents in my head are harmless.....when i'm single.
however i am not.
single that is.
so last night i happen to come across an alumni who brings up memories of my crush on him from freshman year. and wouldn't you know that i get kicked in the ass by karma or fate or whatever you want to call the ironic controllers of our lives. this alumni confessed that he has always been interested in me but never had the balls in college to act like he wasn't joking when he brought it up. so of course he finds the balls to stop playing games now...when i have a boyfriend.
typical.
naturally i do the fantasizing thing that i described above, and naturally i stop myself because it is wrong and awful to do because i am in a loving relationship, even though the alumni is unbelievably cute, sweet, and available. so now i'm frustrated and confused, because having stuff like this happen when i have a strong relationship is not good for said current relationship. especially when the alumni was an unfulfilled crush when i was younger, and knows exactly what to say now that i'm all grown up.
i've never been good at resisting temptation.
however i am not.
single that is.
so last night i happen to come across an alumni who brings up memories of my crush on him from freshman year. and wouldn't you know that i get kicked in the ass by karma or fate or whatever you want to call the ironic controllers of our lives. this alumni confessed that he has always been interested in me but never had the balls in college to act like he wasn't joking when he brought it up. so of course he finds the balls to stop playing games now...when i have a boyfriend.
typical.
naturally i do the fantasizing thing that i described above, and naturally i stop myself because it is wrong and awful to do because i am in a loving relationship, even though the alumni is unbelievably cute, sweet, and available. so now i'm frustrated and confused, because having stuff like this happen when i have a strong relationship is not good for said current relationship. especially when the alumni was an unfulfilled crush when i was younger, and knows exactly what to say now that i'm all grown up.
i've never been good at resisting temptation.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Yet another beginning
i believe a writer is someone who loves the written word so much that they treasure words, think about writing constantly, and see language as something more transcendent than just a tool of communication. a writer, to me, is someone who is constantly striving to capture a little piece of the soul of what they are writing about in words.
thus by my own definition i should be qualified as a writer.
not necessarily a good writer, but a writer nonetheless.
so here's my attempt...my effort to capture dreams, hopes, wishes, emotion, and hopefully soul onto a page.
come on in.
thus by my own definition i should be qualified as a writer.
not necessarily a good writer, but a writer nonetheless.
so here's my attempt...my effort to capture dreams, hopes, wishes, emotion, and hopefully soul onto a page.
come on in.
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