called out

"I woke up in Hockey Player's bed this morning. i got really drunk last night. it was a bad life decision."

"I knew you were going to do that. i KNEW it! He was texting you all night. you always break down when guys do stuff like that when you're drunk."

"Not always! well almost not always."

"So how was the awkward morning moment?"

"There wasn't one."

"What do you mean, there wasn't one? There's always one. You two must be soulmates if there wasn't an awkward morning moment."

"No, no, no. There wasn't...ahem..one because i .. ::sigh:: ...isnuckoutofhisbedat7:30thismorning."

::Silence::

"Don't judge me. I know you're judging me. I could bring up tequila night against you. i didn't judge you that night. STOP JUDGING ME! i felt awkward. i didn't want to be there when he woke up with his roomate in the room and him being an athlete and athletes gossip and you know how i----"

"Stop babbling. Admit it. You're a creeper."

::sigh:: "Yes i am."

"Classy."

beauty is pain

i am never wearing those sky-high white heels again. they make my feet swell, chip my toe polish, and cause me to run a severe risk of breaking my ankles.

but damn...they make my legs look good.

slow down

i. hate. smothering.

The calling. all the time. The im's when i come back from being away. This constant need to see me every day. dear jesus, no one wants to be with someone else that frickin' much. i feel like my personal space is slowly shrinking around me until i can't breathe, can't think. he's a hockey player. aren't they supposed to be the arrogant athletes that i pretend i can't stand but really want so bad that my mouth actually waters? aren't they supposed to be a challenge---an adventure?

people have told him about me. warned him about me actually. don't push her. don't surround her. give her space. she doesn't like to be hounded or stalked. would it ever occur to him to actually listen to the people that know me?

it's too fast and too soon. i'm not the type of person who can be pinned down and roped into a relationship within a matter of weeks. it doesn't work that way with me. i need time. time to reveal who i am. time to see if he can handle what's beneath the surface. time to see if he is who i want to be with. i'm not willing to settle for the shallow high school/college relationship that consists of hooking-up and then discovering if you actually like the person who makes your body melt. i want the combination. the mind and the body.

i'm just as capable of casual sex as the next person. and sometimes that's just what i want. but not now. not again. i need stimulation; someone to stir my blood and brain.

might as well ask for the impossible, right?

so Hockey Boy needs to back the "f" off.

Drunken convo with Old Hookup

"Just stay. what's the harm in staying?"

"No. You don't have the right to do this to me anymore. It's been two years. Two years with no effort on your part. You can't come in here and twist me up inside anymore. You can't pull this when we're both wasted and you finally screw up the courage to talk to me"

"What do you want me to say? I want you to stay. I want you."

"I'm sure you do. You always mean what you say....when you say it. I'm not looking for fleeting. You need to let me leave."

"Okay, okay I fucked up. Two years ago. I fucked up. I know, I know. I fucked up big time."

"Yeah. You did. And now, it's too late."

And so i left.

psych 101

i got analyzed today. and i realized that as much as i enjoy doing it to other people, i HATE having it done to me. i hate people trying to figure me out and pick me apart. i'm more complex than that. i can't be summed up in a couple question and answer sessions. it would take a lifetime to unpack everything inside of me. there's places i won't even go in my head. i despise having to think about how i would react in a given situation, because i might be saying one thing now, and then do something completely different if the situation actually occurs.

what's worse is that i know i sound contradictory when i try to answer hypothetical questions. that's because i don't think about my decision. i just do what feels right. i freeze if i think too much. some of my best, and if i'm honest worst as well, decisions have been made on the fly. that's just how i am. i'm a gut instinct type of person. so i don't ever try to understand or explain my actions...because i don't know the why, how, or when of them either.

::sigh::

all of this is very frustrating to the (possible?) new boy who is trying to figure me out. he's thinking that he's going to get a head start on getting inside my brain if he asks me a couple questions on a day when i am sober and not in the heat of the moment. he doesn't understand that when i do make real decisions, it's always in the heat of the moment. he's hoping for a plan, some sort of guide map around my head, soul, and heart. what he doesn't realize is that those paths are so convulted and twisted that i don't even really know the way to them. i keep waiting for someone to open me up....unlock me.

maybe i should just tell him the ride's usually more exciting when you don't know what's around the corner.

this way, if you turn the corner and plow into a wall, it's more shocking than painful.
especially because i'm usually the metaphorical wall.

screw hearts...who needs 'em?

i hate valentine's day. i hate the colors pink, red, and white together. it makes me want to gag. it's a hallmark holiday. a pathetic excuse for companies that sell chocolates, flowers, and poorly written cards to turn a quick profit. it's a clean pass for couples who are disgusting about PDA to be even more obnoxious and proud that they make out in front of people on a daily basis.

it's a painful reminder to those of us who are single that we do not have anymore special or significant in our lives. no one to cuddle with in the horrible, bone-chilling weather (and boy do i have a bone to pick with the weather gods lately), no one who wants to be with us in any circumstance, no one to take us out to dinner and compliment us even when we don't deserve it. no one who cares.

us single folks get it rubbed in our faces that no we don't matter to anyone on that day, not in that special way that you want to matter. valentine's day is a joyless, despair-filled pit that i fall into every year.

my solution?

alcohol. lots and lots of alcohol.

i forget about it for a little while. i go to the bar with the rest of the single girls, bitch about how much valentine's day sucks, and request anti-sentimental songs like "miserable" by lit on the jukebox. i get tipsy, make jokes, and swear off the dumbass holiday for life. i sneer at the happy couples, and toast singlehood.

and i try not to remember that all the alcohol doesn't change the fact that i'm going home alone.

huh...?

apparently last night some sort of crazy pheromone was wafting off of my body because godamm.....i was on. i was getting attention that i haven't gotten since freshmen year---when my tummy was tucked, my face was fresh, and my muscles were toned. and it felt good.

what i did not expect was to get molested by an old hookup.

i was moderately tipsy and i had a full beer. this is enough to make bad things happen. i turn quickly to say something, and WHAM!---beer allllll over Old Hookup's shirt. being moderately tipsy, instead of an appropriate reaction, such as apologizing, i begin to giggle. and then laugh out loud. the look on his face was priceless. since im laughing so hard and he looks so pissed off, of course other people start to notice....and begin to laugh as well. which in turn makes him more pissed off.

until he gets this look in his eye and pulls me, still laughing into the girls bathroom.

then, like some cheesy romantic novel, except we are in a college bar in the girls bathroom, he takes my beer and puts his down, and proceeds to pin my hands up against the wall and make out with me. it was like the grownup version of 7 minutes in heaven, which i thought was stupid back in grammar school, let alone college.

gag me with a spoon.

i finally get him to release me when it starts to penetrate that 1) i am in the girls bathroom, 2) this shit is why i halted things with Old Hookup in the first place, and 3) i was definitely not drunk enough for this. so i pushed him off, grabbed my beer, and bolted out of the girls bathroom.

pheromones.....they always end up fucking you over.

but this means that i have now made out in two rooms at Brad's, the closet and girls bathroom.
at least i'll have something to tell my kids.

exhausted..

crazy freakin weekend..


details to come soon...promise.

but for now.
bedtime.

and so it rears its ugly head..

i believe that miami is losing interest. phew. there, i said it. one of the scariest things for me to face. i need to be liked. it's this weird compulsion i have. i can't stand for someone to lose interest in me----it irriates like a sore tooth. i keep poking at it, or in this case, doing everything i can until i win the person over. it sparks all sorts of doubts and insecurities when someone refuses to like or get along with me, because it makes me feel like there is a lack or flaw in me, even though i know logically that sometimes people are just not going to like me. hey no one ever said i was logical.

and the thing is, the people that i like the most are usually the ones who tend to lose interest. which in turn makes me wonder what is so fundamentally off about me that i cannot hang on to anything i truly care about. it's easy to get someone to like you when it doesn't matter. however once i find myself on the opposite side, i lose all skill and technique in capturing and retaining the interest of the guy i desperately want.

i get scared. really bone-deep scared, especially when my feelings are involved. usually i keep my feelings buried so deep that even i can't find them. i am afraid to let anyone matter that much, or see the real me because....what if they run away when they do see all of my imperfections? i might not be who they think i am or want me to be. so.... i might have a little something to do with miami losing interest. you ever hear of a defense mechanism? well my defenses against true feelings make me harder to break down than fort knox.

i do this thing. this, i-play-it-cool-and-try-to-be-the-guy-friend thing. i drag out information about how they like me. but it's not enough. i need a grand gesture. i mean is it so hard to want someone to fight for you? to battle against all odds for your heart? to think that you're worth that struggle? so i push them away. either because i'm frightened as all hell, or because i want to see what they do when i push them away.

most of the time, this strategy hurts me. because they don't like me enough to fight for me. they size up the odds and bail out. they turn out not to be strong enough.

so i end up disappointed.....again.

this time i want miami to prevail. but i don't know how he feels. he doesn't call me as much, and i don't get random texts from him in the middle of the day to make me smile. and it's so frustrating to know that distance keeps me from doing anything about it.

so i wait. stuck in a situation in which i have no control.
helpless once again to hold the interest of the guy i want.

a desperate situation..

i'm entering a severe dry period. i haven't been kissed, appreciated, cuddled, and made out with in a long time. i am a very physical affectionate person. hence the lack of physical contact is a problem.

goddammit i'm lonely.
and i haven't shaved my legs for three weeks.

which should make a very strong statement, because that means i'm not even expecting the slightest possibility of a hookup anymore. i need to snap out of it.

or some intelligent, gorgeous, built, dangerous, and charming guy needs to snap into my life.

yeah,....right.

a dorky little habit

i like to read. clarification---i like to read a lot. more so than other people. more than normal. i will read anything and everything, front to back. reading is the first activity i turn to when i am bored, restless, or just looking to escape.

having trouble dealing with people? can't figure a way out of a stressful situation? need a way to let my mind wind down? for me the answer always lies within a book. once i crack open the cover and start turning pages, my mind is free to create the world presented to me by the author. i laugh, i cry, i cringe, i experience what lies in those pages.

it's dorky i know. for me an ideal afternoon, rainy or sunny, is spent curled up comfortably with the edges of my fingers stained with ink from turning the pages of the current book i am reading. for me, a book represents possibilites----thousands and thousands of them. you can create events, people, and stories that would be wildly impossible in the real world, and can only be adequately captured in words; elegant, creative, and colorful words.

people don't understand this about me. they think that reading is something that i do because i'm "smart" or "nerdy" (from the less kind). they don't understand how i could possibly read for hours upon hours, and not move or have my concentration interrupted.

what they don't know is that things vastly more entertaining than real life are unfolding in front of me with every new page.