for some odd reason, whenever i develop a new crush or liking for someone, i am seized by this insatiable urge to find out everything about them. call me weird, call me crazy but i find myself wondering a number of things about them...in this particular case, Miami. (by the way, things are fixed...he was sulking like a little girl waiting for me to make the first move. sigh.....men).

but, i digress.

i find myself painting pictures in my head of what he's like, despite the fact that i've known him for six years and have been best friends with him for three of those years. it's odd to find out that even though i've known him that long, i still have no idea exactly what color his eyes are. oh well, i know they are brown, i'm not that unobservant, but what exact shade of brown? are they muddy with flecks of gold and green in them? are they a deep chocolate, clear and warm? are they a light caramel, almost golden? or are they so dark a brown as to be almost black? i've never cared to look or think about something as commonplace as his eye color, yet it now seems vital that i know this information.

this type of curiosity leads to other questions. how many types of smiles does he have? what causes his smile to start slow and sweet, a slow transformation of his face versus an event that results in a grin, a sharp slash of white teeth, stunning and unexpected like summer lightning? i want to discover what lights him up on the inside, what causes his interest to spark and his eyes to shine. i want his moments of vulnerability, rare and tender, as much as i want his arrogance, confident and probably infuriating.

How does he sleep? with his arms flung wide as if to encompass everything withing his reach, or unmoving and steady throughout the night? i would like to be there to watch him wake up, to see if he snaps awake cleanly and clearly or if he is a little slower, with his eyes soft and blurry for a while until his mind catches up.

i need to know the feel of his palm against mine, and if our hands will fit. i want to know his scent so that i will recognize when he walks into a room, and feel it envelop me when he holds me close. i wonder what it would be like to talk to him in person, as more than a voice on the phone; to listen to him speak while i'm lying on his chest, feeling his voice rumble throughout his body. i want to peel him away layer by layer, to see more than just the surface, and to uncover hidden depths that he may or may not have. i want his passion, his hopes, his dreams, his soul. each of this pieces will fit together to uncover a different picture of him....one that i am now just realizing i want to see.

but this is all somewhat impossible with him being a thousand miles away.

sigh.

so i am going to be living a rich fantasy life for a while...
and wondering if his mind is traveling the same paths mine are.

oh waaa

went out. got drunk. miami is still having a bitch fest and not talking to me. even though i called to apologize.

stop being a girl.

i like you and had a girl freakout. relax and accept.

and god i wish he could read this instead of me just venting.

sigh.

go me....not

Last night with the help of whiskey and beer i drove miami away.

The good old defense mechanism kicking in. yes..i am a douchebag.

i had a good thing. but i was frustrated that it couldn't be everything...at least not yet. i stated that it was probably a good idea not to talk anymore because this obviously wasn't going to go anywhere. i was impatient, pissed off, and my disillusionment with guys was brought to the fore. and i took it out on poor miami. i was demanding, drunk, and girly. i was a moron on wheels.

waking up with a hangover is bad enough. waking up knowing that i alienated one of the best people in my life right now just makes me nauseous.

i wish i had patience and wasn't emotionally fucked up.

but short term solution?
an apology to miami, and swearing off J.D. for a very long time.

the phenomenon of alumni..

Alumni weekend. a weekend to remember and look forward to for students and graduates alike, more so than any other regular weekend. it's two and a half days of sketchiness and debauchery. Thirty year-olds lose all their inhibitions and most of their dignity pretending that they are 21 again, and that throwing beer at each other is okay (it is never okay, especially at age thirty, and only moderately okay at college in a complete shithole of a bar, when you're fifteen shots deep). recently graduated alumni, who are still young enough to feel like they fit in, throw their money, jobs, and hard-earned, practiced charm at anything that looks like a college student, in hopes of getting the sought-after college hookup. nothing says you're still cool and attractive like sleeping over in a dorm room, then having to walk home the next day in your grownup clothes, after an awkward, bleary morning waking up next to someone that you don't know, and who probably is around the age of your younger sister/brother/cousin.

All current college students know that they are going to receive drunken texts and/or calls at four in the morning from alumni that they may know, be close with, or randomly have traded numbers with one wasted, half-remembered night in a bar or house party. these text and calls have one goal in mind---a goal that is implicit and understood by both parties. this call or text, which usually involves the terms "hanging out", "meeting up", or "seeing you later" are the mating calls of alumni. there is no way that a guy or girl is looking to catch up at 5 in the morning after a day of drinking that probably started at 6 p.m. (because they forget that they cannot handle the amount of alcohol college students can consume and train at increasing on a daily basis). alumni are not going to be capable of intelligent speech or thought, usually evident in the random numbers or misspelled words in the text, or in the slurred, repetitive speech of the phone call or voicemail. they want two things----a place to sleep, you naked, or a combination of the two.

the text is sent. the invitation is thrown out there. barriers are down. do you respond?

the choice is yours.

sadly, or perhaps to my greater benefit, i rebuffed the advances of several alumni. god knows what diseases they may have contracted while out in the grownup world. i chose instead to pass out in all my drunken glory alone, with the comforting thought that the only one to see me look like a sloppy, booze-reeking disaster in the morning would be my roomate.

worlds are changed, relationships are forged, and new awkward pinacles are reached during alumni weekend. it's many peoples' last chance to hook up with a crush, or an oppurtunity to retreat back into the comfortable, protective bubble that is "college-ness". for alumni, it is a short trip to paradise.

for seniors like me, it is a scary look into the future.

a new beginning..

i really want to stay on top of things this semester. no more putting things off till the last minute, no all-nighters, no midday panic attacks. i want to be organized, capable, and able to enjoy my nights out without the feeling that i'm screwing myself haunting me with every delicious sip of alcohol. i want to know where my syllabi are, have my papers ready at hand, and actually have each subject neatly arranged. i might even get a notebook for each of my classes.

i want to be rested, and responsible. i am going to attempt the impossible....balancing fun with work.

i've failed doing this before, but i am going to try and make it count this time. because after this...
i'm done.

Not even a smoldering ember

i forgot that coming back to school means coming back to gossip and speculation as well. all the baggage i shed by going home was waiting anxiously to assume it's position back on my shoulders once i stepped through the door. what brings this on? people have been asking about Red Head. already. and it's only been second day back.

this leads me to wonder how serious and/or obvious we seemed to other people. i didn't comprehend the fact that i was apparently "together" enough with someone to put me off-limits. i was not setting out to give that vibe at all. Red Head claimed he did not want a relationship (and i ignored my trusty instincts screaming at me that he had "serious commitment" written all over him). more to the point, i do not want a relationship. wait, let me clarify----i do not want a relationship with Red Head.

why?

he's a nice guy, great body, good work ethic, and is one of the few guys willing to commit to something and not get freaked out like the rest of the male population.

but that's just it. he's attractive, but i don't want to jump his bones when i see him. i don't try to sneak looks at him when he's not looking. i don't find excuses to bump into him, or go out of my way to catch his eye or start conversation. my heart doesn't jump start when he's near me, and my palms don't get sweaty. my tongue doesn't get tied, and i actually control most of the conversation. he doesn't challenge me, thrill me, or make me want to strangle him. he doesn't inspire any sort of intense emotion in me at all; merely mild annoyance. and he does NOT do drunk well.

so yeah things with Red Head are done on my side. not because of any big reason, but for all the little ones; the little reasons are usually why a relationship works or falls apart in the first place. hundreds of little tiny details that make two people spark against each other. the spark is just not there for Red Head and I.

sad, but true.

so on to a new semester of bad guy decisions, and the russian roullette of dating slash college hooking-up. and meanwhile i'll leave you with something that captures the essence of what i'm looking for, and still helplessly hope to find..:

"Gentlemen and Ladies. This is why girls like bad boys. T his is why so many of you claim that nice guys finish last. You know the scenario. Loner, rebel... hard to pin down, mister playa, pimp man meets innocent, good-hearted, sweet and smart, little girl. Gives up leather jacket and joins the track team. Blah blah, insert happy ending here:

The idea of taming that testosterone monster- the malest of males- being that one special reason for them to change... that’s bigger than any "my penis is bigger than your penis" testament. That speaks volumes about how fucking cool a girl is. And every girl wants to feel that cool- I don’t care if they admit it out loud or not.And there you have it. Sorry if you were hoping for something more deep, involved and emo. That is the attraction to the bad boy. Just the possibility of turning his colors. It is all about self-worth and validation...

That this guy knows, you know- fuck- EVERYBODY knows, that he could go out and get whoever he wanted in any capacity at any time, but yep, that’s right- he only wants you.But not only does he want you... he wants you to want him in the same way.

He wants to be the man you deserve. AND he actually makes an effort to be that guy. Not in that he changes who is deep down inside... but that he pushes all that surface level BS out of the way and actively shares who he is at the core.

So much so that he does give up all that casual, meaningless sex. Not because he doesn’t want it anymore- but because he respects and cares about you enough to never hurt or wrong you like that. He waits for you. He wants to take it slow too. Because it’s not about sex with you. It’s more. It’s everything.

Everything.

Now that’s some powerful shit. Idealistic, yes. Hard to find, yes. Seemingly impossible, yes. But that’s what we want.

Us lady-folk want to think that we "conquered" you just as much as you want to think that you "won" us. That we were your incentive to change. That we stole your heart- and that it was hard to do.

I mean... if it's easy- it's BORING. Those feelings of pride and accomplishment are very real and very intertwined in finding someone to build a quality relationship with. It has nothing to do with being nice- it has to do with being real, being candid and being important.

Everyone wants to have a story worth telling... so fucking give her one."

(Credit for insert goes to AmongStar)

possibly a little worried..

My sister is changing. and i don't know if it's in a good way or if i like what she is becoming. many things could have caused her to change---heartbreak (god knows she experienced enough of that this past semester), college, or new friends. but it's noticeable. she's a little less kind, a little more hard and uncaring of others. she's a little more out for herself, and has a lot less time for her family. she's forgiving of those who have hurt her repeatedly, and harsh with those who have stood beside her. her priorites are harder for me to understand.

maybe i'm just afraid to let her grow up. maybe i'm tired of seeing the people that truly care about her be pushed aside. maybe i need to loosen up and let her change. after all, change is a necessary part of life, and i changed over the years.

but i'm not the only one who feels that this change might not be for the better.

i just wonder how this is going to turn out.

A reappearance

Red Head called me yesterday. he also called me drunk at 2 a.m. and proceeded to leave a drunk voicemail. i love drunk voicemails. they are usually hysterical, awkward, and nonsensical, but that's why they're great. Not Red Head's drunk voicemails. i cringe everytime he calls me drunk, because he always leaves a voicemail. the voicemail is not amusing, or funny. he details his whole night, which means the voicemail is at least 3 minutes long, always proclaims that he is wasted at the beginning and that is why he's calling, and the events of his night aren't. even. interesting.

we all know that drunken calls and drunken voicemails are a cry of lonliness. it's an unspoken fact. but don't make it so freakin' obvious that you're desperately lonely at the end of the night. it just ends up making me uncomfortable.

this unexpected event brought to mind the fact that i am going to have to deal with that situation when i get back to school. i have no idea what me and Red Head are, or even if there is anything there anymore. i think there is on his part, not so much on mine. i was perfectly alright not calling or seeing him all break, and i never had any desire to call him drunk. however, i feel like he is going to try to resume the friendship slash hooking up arrangement we had before i left.

i'm just not interested anymore. if i ever was.

because i realized now that i truly like someone again, that i am not willing to settle for the no label, open situation. yes i love being single and having freedom. but at heart, i'm not a casual hook-up, gray area for a long time, type of girl. and i'm okay with that.

now---to find a way to break this to him.

oh how it hurts

i am in trouble. deep trouble.

have you ever wanted something so badly that it feels like you're aching? wanted it so much that it runs through your thoughts all day at the oddest times? i like someone. really really like them. for the first time in a while i am getting all swoony and eager and excited. he's good-looking (dark hair, dark eyes, great fashion sense), nice, has a great sense of humor, teases me, and is a gentleman. he pays for everything, is very hard-working, and unexpectedly sweet. all the little things that add up to match me.

he makes me feel alive. something i haven't felt in a while. being with him or around him is exciting and fun and interesting. i want to stop time. what he makes me feel is so rare that i am terrified and exhilarated all at once.

he's actually a good guy. deep inside, genuine good. and wonder of all wonders---he likes me; has said he likes me multiple times. granted, it was drunkenly shouted at me while he was wasted, and admitted via text again and again while drunk, but still. he said it. out loud and in writing. there's just one little problem.

i live in connecticut.
he lives in miami.

::sigh::

why why why why WHY does this always happen to me? i can finally see myself dating someone that i chose, someone that i don't just settle for, or get worn down into dating, and he lives an impossibly far distance away.

life could not be more frustrating.

what's even worse is that i've known and been friends with him for close to six years, and i am just now realizing what a great guy he is. the type of guy i want to be with. it's horrible to hear from him that he's liked me since high school but was too afraid to do anything. and it's awful to know that i was stupid enough to overlook him the entire time, and not catch on to his cues.

now he's in miami.

and why do i feel this opportunity is going to slip through my hands despite my best efforts? that we will drift apart and slowly lose touch? that he's not thinking the same way i am and i'm reading too much into the entire situation? that once again i am feeling too strongly and soon when it's doomed to fail?

everything is so fresh and sharp and full of meaning right now. unfortunately i can already see the first flush fading. he will lose interest because that is how my life works, and when i really want something, like really really soul deep want something, they never seem to want me back enough. i am waiting for this inevitable downslide

i am babbling like a teenager girl in torment over a boy, but sadly enough that's how i feel. it's like a tiny tragedy---to be presented with something wonderful, only to have it taken away, and know that you have to be responsible and level-headed and mature about it when you really want to stamp your feet and wail.

i know i am going to read this in a couple days and outwardly laugh at my own foolishness. i know i sound ridiculous and mopey and girly but i can't help it.

but godammit.
i deserve a break.
for once can i be proven wrong? retain some hope?


::whispers:: please?

socially awkward much?

A new flirting prospect was on the horizon. the reason for the word "was" will be shown shortly. A bunch of us from high school went out to the bar together and apparently he, we will name him the Blowout because that is his unfortunate hairstyle at this time, liked what he saw. He then proceeded to get my screename and my number. normally this is considered positive in my book because it shows aggressiveness and effort. Both good qualities, in moderation of course. He has affirmed online that he would like to hang out soon, and knows from my recent away messages that i am suffering from wisdom teeth recovery.

our text exchange today went something like this:

Blowout: I hope you feel better
Work in Progress: aww thanks huni
Blowout: i could always make you feel better in more ways than one
WIP: haha ive never gotten hit on while i've been recovering before (umm wtf?)
Blowout: ha ha ha you havent gotten pleased a day in your life believe me (how the hell do i react to THAT?)
WIP: an inappropriate offer from you i assume?
Blowout: ha ha of course but you love it (no response from me after this. i hope he eventually got the hint that i do not "love" it, and will thus be brought down from his arrogant alternate reality)

First of all, way too many ha ha's. they should be used sparingly for greater effect. second of all, way to jump the gun and turn the conversation into completely uncharted sexual waters. in 10 seconds he went from sweet to sleazy. congratulations Blowout. i now know exactly why you want to "hang out".

But really, thanks for making it clear.

the essence of uncomfortable

i am twitchy.

yes, that's right. twitchy. an itchiness in your limbs and brain that demands you do something, something right now, due to long periods of lazing about and not really challenging your mind or body. i hate having any sort of freedom taken away from me. not that i am an unusually active person but i loathe having the choice of activity taken away from me. idleness and inactivity is never so unattractive a prospect than when it is forced upon you.

in this case it was wisdom teeth extractration.
this morning. at 8:30.
involving anathesia, gauze, happy gas, idiotic sayings by me on said gas, and a wheelchair.

not extremely painful process or recovery, but just uncomfortable enough to force me to stay inside for today and probably most of tomorrow; resulting in a swollen jaw, which makes my face look slightly lopsided, a nasty coppery bloody taste in my mouth all day, and drowsiness.

all of which explains why i am complaining about my entire day in front of a computer with two icepacks strapped to each of my cheeks with a skiing headband.

a ridiculous picture isn't it?

2007?

i am getting my wisdom teeth pulled out in 8 hours. since i hate any kind of doctor, operation, or process that will cause me pain i have butterflies in my stomach. huge, giant ones with flapping feathery wings.

so i will write instead to keep my mind off of my impending doom.

it's 2007. another year. the year that i will graduate college and embark on the scary journey called adulthood.

in other words----an extremely terrifying year.

im looking forward to it...and it's quite odd to feel a combination of terror and anticipation in regards to a year...and the rest of one's life.

::gulp::

a different sort of new year's eve

i spent new year's eve alone. without any friends, without my sisters, without my parents, without alcohol, without anyone random or special to kiss at midnight.

i rang in the new year in a quiet house, curled up on my couch, switching between While You Were Sleeping, and the SVU marathon on the T.V. i didn't even watch the ball drop. the only reason i knew it was midnight was because of a flurry of texts and calls from drunken friends.

it sounds lonely when you think about it, and i think i was a little sad, aching a bit inside.
but that's okay.

because i didn't want a meaningless drunken kiss with someone that i did know or didn't know. i didn't need to be hungover today, and try to piece together parts of my night, hoping that i didn't do something embarassing or ridiculous. i didn't feel like getting dressed up or socializing on a night where everyone is looking for someone to hook up with.

so i stayed home.
and i'm okay with that too.