look at the damage i've caused

i broke up with my boyfriend on friday.

i'm numb. but with a hollow empty sort of feeling in my stomach.
i'm unhappy...but i don't think being with him again would make me happy. it would be a comfortable escape, putting off the time when i would have to hurt him again.

and i hurt him.
oh, how i hurt him.

the thing is, our relationship was good. we didn't break up because of cheating, or fighting, or instability. we broke up because i became confused about my feelings, and didn't know if i could handle a relationship while back at school when he was not there.

i cried hysterically when i did it. but not for me, for him. for the fact that something inside me is so messed up and twisted that in every relationship i just shut down emotionally and can't give anymore. it gets to a certain point, i freak out or talk myself into breaking it off, and then i run like hell the other way.

he is a great guy. he treats me like gold. and even after i broke his heart like a glass bowl, he offered the shards to me. he is still so in love with me, that's it's painful to listen to what he will settle for from me.

i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. yet i can't seem to help it.

stop this!!

oh no...i just had an attack of the singles tonight...that feeling you get when you're in a relationship and you really really want to be single.

yeah that feeling.
sigh.

what am i doing?

a moment of silence

i love when my apartment is quiet with no one in it. it's peaceful and allows me to think. yet the silence also holds so many possibilites---of laughter when the roomates are back, and conversations that have yet to happen.

i need alone time. me time. more than most i think. however living with someone always around has taught me to deepen my tolerance for people, and to treasure when i am alone.

on another note...it's already thursday, which is significant for more than one reason. it's one of the major drinking nights of the week, an awesome band is playing tonight at one of the local bars, and most importantly (and probably most pathetically) the new season of grey's anatomy begins tonight!

i know, i know. this is the only T.V. show i watch seriously though. if you don't know about it yet, catch it at nine....amazing soliloquys by the main character.

i am all aflutter with anticipation.

another couple beginnings

i have begun a new chapter. ever since i got back to school i've been feeling sluggish and out-of-sorts. so i've come up with a plan.

i'm starting a diet. but not so much a diet as a plan for eating better, and not sitting around and eating crap and sugars because i'm bored. i also started exercising again because i'm not used to and i hate being out of shape.

i am promising myself i am sticking to this plan.
i even wrote it down and everything.
i feel optimistic.

so here goes.

a new level of drunkeness

last night i got "freshmen" wasted. and by "freshmen" wasted, i mean so drunk that everything is hysterical and fresh and new, and by the end of the night you can't walk straight.

i love random nights like that where you don't really plan on where you're going and stuff just begins to happen. you can't plan things like me being unable to pronounce my guy friends' names. you can't forsee ridiculous beirut games and the "boob" rack. there is no possible way to imagine one of our friends getting written up for pissing outside, eating pizza in front of our apartment building, or a dance party to start everything off on the right foot. you can't expect to have deep belly laughs, or a general great feeling.

that's the magic of a good night.

reality strikes...multiple times

i have SO MUCH TO DO. and the sad thing is that it doesn't even include day to day work or class assignments. i'm talking about goals for the year. just a couple things i have to accomplish:

-planning a wedding anniversary surprise party for my parents by May.
-planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my Dad by September.
-come up with something clever and funny for my Dad's party to showcase...also by September.
-decide what i want to do about grad school.
-decide what i want to do with my life in general.
-save up for a car.
-save up for an apartment.
-get through my senior year without throwing a tantrum about having to leave..forever.

ugh. just looking at that makes me want to hide under my covers and never come out.

insight

"Love is only truly love,
when it considers the good of the one loved,
and the needs of the one who loves"

come again?

i need to organize my life desperately.

i have so many things, people, and events hitting me at once that i feel swamped already...and i've only been back at school one week.

i can't complain though. i love steeping myself in life and frantic activity.
i'm just trying not to get overwhelmed.

a great boyfriend....right?

it's the truth really. my current boyfriend is so good to me. even though he has these little faults that drive me crazy, he has so many good qualities that offset that. he's kind, funny, smart, and successful. and he loves me to distraction.

so why does it sound like i'm convincing myself?

the thing is...my heart doesn't jump when i see him. and when i'm looking at a serious commitment, shouldn't that be a red flag? i feel like we're puzzle pieces that, at first glance, look like a perfect fit. you match them up, and everyone is convinced that they are the right pieces. however, when you actually try to put them into the puzzle, the fit isn't ....quite...right. thats how i feel. that my boyfriend and i just aren't quite the right fit.

but i'm going to give this a shot. because edges can be shaved and corners can be cut to make a fit.

i just hope i don't completely lose my individual shape by trying to make this relationship work.

more on the alum

Last night was a disaster in every which way. i started out with a draft because i wanted to be out, but not incapacitated. that went out the window as soon as one of my friends, who is also (unfortunately for me) the bartender, gave me a pitcher...to myself. With my plan on staying sober shot to hell, i concentrated on getting as plastered as i could.

this process led to two beirut games, me almost having a freshman kicked out, shouting, a journey to another bar, and late night vip at brad's cafe---a local college bar.

flirtacious text messaging was exchanged with the alumni. *sigh* a call to the boyfriend was also made, either because i was drunk and missed him or to assauge the guilt. i can't figure out which, meaning that this situation is getting more complicated by the moment and should probably dropped immediately.

hopefully tonight i will try to keep the remaining pieces of my dignity and stay somewhat coherent, which in turn should keep the lid on bad decisions.

sweet sweet temptation

i am terrible at resisting compliments. more so than most. especially when they come from males. When a guy begins to compliment me, i fantasize. i think, "hey, he probably really means this. he sounds so sincere. what would we be like together? i bet we would be an awesome couple. i bet he's a good kisser..." and so on and so forth. these tangents in my head are harmless.....when i'm single.

however i am not.
single that is.

so last night i happen to come across an alumni who brings up memories of my crush on him from freshman year. and wouldn't you know that i get kicked in the ass by karma or fate or whatever you want to call the ironic controllers of our lives. this alumni confessed that he has always been interested in me but never had the balls in college to act like he wasn't joking when he brought it up. so of course he finds the balls to stop playing games now...when i have a boyfriend.

typical.

naturally i do the fantasizing thing that i described above, and naturally i stop myself because it is wrong and awful to do because i am in a loving relationship, even though the alumni is unbelievably cute, sweet, and available. so now i'm frustrated and confused, because having stuff like this happen when i have a strong relationship is not good for said current relationship. especially when the alumni was an unfulfilled crush when i was younger, and knows exactly what to say now that i'm all grown up.

i've never been good at resisting temptation.

Yet another beginning

i believe a writer is someone who loves the written word so much that they treasure words, think about writing constantly, and see language as something more transcendent than just a tool of communication. a writer, to me, is someone who is constantly striving to capture a little piece of the soul of what they are writing about in words.

thus by my own definition i should be qualified as a writer.
not necessarily a good writer, but a writer nonetheless.

so here's my attempt...my effort to capture dreams, hopes, wishes, emotion, and hopefully soul onto a page.

come on in.