the dangers of being a geek

My English capstone class is full of nerds. i count myself among their number. however, worse than it being full of nerds is the fact that these are nerds who love to hear themselves talk. these are pretentious nerds---arrogant nerds. nerds with attitude.

i am happy that we are all in college and have gotten past the "i can't show my intelligence because someone will beat me up after class" complex. really. but seriously. even fellow geeks like myself do not want to hear you relate a philosophy that concerns literary criticism to obscure ideas or novels that no one has read besides you because you're sitting in on a friday night by yourself, breathing heavily over said obscure novel. these are the kids that i stare at intently all during class, wishing with every particle of my being for them to just. shut. up.

i am an enlightened nerd. i go out and party and drink and interact with living, breathing people. i enjoy class, i adore debating over ideas, i love learning. but it is not my sum total purpose for being.

so look down on me if you will.
but at least i'm not speaking to hear myself.
self-important windbags.

new band

"So Contagious" by Acceptance.

The type of song you want someone to play about or for you.

sigh.

One of my roomates who is *dating* the guy downstairs, just went down to see him because she hadn't seen him all over break. which also means that they also have a lot of sexual tension built up.

She comes into our room, "It was great to see him but i have my period so we can't really do anything".

"So you just went down and talked?" this coming from me.

"No because then i teased him with the fact that i was wearing pretty underwear. So he groaned, and then peeked. And all of a sudden his...yeah.. was like WHAM!"

"Wham?"

"Yeah i didn't know a guy could get hard that fast....or be that desperate. imagine. just from looking at my underwear".

There it is ladies.
Proof that men are the lesser animals.


*because we don't really know what they are and instead of saying grey area it's easier to just call it dating.

adventures on break

What a crazy crazy weekend.

what i thought was going to be a restful break away from school and stress ended up being yet another drinkfest. Probably because it was my birthday.

21 bitches.

it's nuts because inside i still feel like i'm 17. in fact i'm so immature that on my birthday i was extremely tempted to buy a six-pack at 2 in the afternoon and drink it...just because i could. but then i figured that might signify a drinking problem. i'm definitely not the most mature person to turn 21.

then on friday, to celebrate we went to the equivalent of a giant candy store for grownups.

new york city.

suffice it to say that we were wasted, dressed up, all over the upper east side, on top of the bar doing shots, having crazy cab rides, kicked out of the bars, dancing everywhere, ordering late night diner food, getting back to the apartment at 4:30 a.m., and having a late night dance party laying down.

the pictures are scandalous.

finally defeated

i love my sisters...don't get me wrong. but i guess i just expect more out of them than they are willing to give.

i was so excited to come home and see them for thanksgiving. yet for all of our promises to spend time together i haven't seen them much at all. they seem unenthusiastic about doing things together, or frustrated by conversations with me. the youngest acts as if having to speak with me is as painful as trying to speak with our mother.

on my actual birthday i didn't see them other than when they were forced to spend time with me because we went out to dinner as a family. when we are all home we stay in our seperate rooms or the two of them go off and do something without even knocking on my door or asking me to come.

now i find out that one of my sisters would rather spend time with the best friend that broke her heart than with me. even after i promised endless support. i'm proud that she's that forgiving. really. but it makes me think that maybe constant caring isn't really rewarded. maybe i'm taken for granted.

i guess i am not as needed as i thought.
and i guess i'm still surprised by how much that hurts every time.

reconciliation of a sort

Red Head talked to me this past wednesday about the sleepover with his ex on saturday. it was awkward because i already knew about it and was just waiting for him to talk to me about it. it was awkward because we aren't really anything, yet at the same time there is sort of a silent understanding. and it was extremely painful to watch him apologize, be uncomfortable, and basically beat himself up about it in front of me. but at least he found the guts to do it. he told me something that i'm still not sure i should know about, something i'm not really certain i even have a right to be upset about.

so he redeemed himself.

sort of.

but this made the whole situation a lot more complicated. now i am hesitant about trusting him. now we had a "talk" way before there should have been anything resembling a talk. now things are said----things like liking and feelings and other stuff that i'm not really good with. now things could start to move really fast without taking appropriate time in the gray area. now he's even more reluctant to make moves than before because he feels like he made a mistake. now i'm worried about being in the middle of two people who i know. now i'm opening myself up and shit could get messy.

ach.

maybe i should just forget the whole thing.
but there's something about him...

highlights

Breakdown of Saturday night:
207 senior night-awesome
dress-innocent but naughty. (multiple compliments)
type of dress-twirly; perfect for spins and showing a hint of upper legs
shoes-black, sparkly stilletos a.k.a. "fuck me heels"
makeup-sophisticated but natural
jewelry-classy pearls
legs-shaved and *ahem* other areas as well. we're talking baby smooth
level of drunkeness achieved-optimal
multiple danceoffs-ridiculous
falling on the dancefloor-hysterical
dancing with Red Head-sweet and cute
rockin out to Journey-nostalgic
money spent on drinks-$0
sleepover- check; with Red Head
getting kicked out of my own bed because Red Head is a bed hog-exhausting
finding my direct roomate still passed out in her dress sitting up-somewhat disturbing but extremely funny
finding out today that my other roomate peed on her chair-priceless

another heartbreak

i am the oldest. i am supposed to be the protector, the responsible one, the shoulder to lean on. so why am i so helpless to keep her from deep, soul-numbing hurt?

but how do i protect my sister from heartbreak?
how do i protect her from people and circumstances that no one can predict will end up slapping her in the face?

how am i supposed to take the brunt of the pain for her? how can i stop life from teaching her painful but necessary lessons?

she's so open, sweet, and forgiving. which is why it shatters my heart when things like betrayal and bad hookups continue to happen to her. she doesn't deserve this. i just hope that she doesn't let these things take away the goodness and caring that sparkles within her.

that would be a loss i couldn't bear.

no more

i'm so tired of secrets. i'm tired of gossip. i'm tired of having my expectations proven wrong again and again. i'm tired of finding out that some people i know possess some not-so-stellar qualities. i'm tired of heart-to-hearts with people in which they feel i am the best person to tell their secrets to. i'm tired of being reliable and nice and a shoulder to lean on. my shoulder is getting worn down. i feel heavier and heavier with all the information that's being pressed on me. once people have told me their secrets it means i am responsible in some way. i have to give them advice, or reassure them that it's okay. but it's not okay. i don't like knowing things about people that i'm not normally privy to. other people may like knowing all the dirt. knowing the dirt doesn't make me feel important...it just makes me feel unclean.

i like to think in general that people are good with somewhat decent motivations. lately i'm finding out that isn't always the case. people aren't always aboveboard. most of the time people are sneaky. most of the time people are lying to themselves and others.

i'm disappointed. this weekend i found out more unsavory details about people than i ever wanted to know. and it wasn't light stuff either. because people were telling me secrets about themselves. those are the worst kind. you can't brush off secrets like those. those types of secrets are never nice. they're selfish, and awful, and change how you look at them. i don't want to know those types of things. i don't want to have to change how i look at people. yet people continued to chose me as their confidant, a role which i sometimes dread assuming.

i agree with average girl.
keep your secrets.
i have enough of my own.

not surprised

just when i get my hopes up, i'm disappointed again. things with Red Head were going well. he came out and admitted that he liked me and was ubercute about the entire thing. he stayed over and things were...ahem...good. i was starting to open up, starting to think that maybe i could harmlessly like someone again. huge step.

until today when i find out that he stayed over his ex-girlfriend's house and at this point in the day is still there.

sweet.

this is why i don't give guys a chance.
because even the "nice ones"....aren't so nice.

a mission

My professor, who is also a Dominican Friar and a marriage counselor was discussing emotional maturity. He stated that people in relationships are emotionally mature when they can notice the differences between themselves and accept them rather than speaking about how they are alike. He then told us what a man once said about his future wife,

"She is so different from me that i am endlessly fascinated"

My new goal in life is to find the man that will someday say that about me.

the truth about Red Head

it's time for me to be completely and totally honest.

Red Head scares the living shit out of me.

not in the way you might think. in fact, based on what you've read, probably exactly opposite of what you might think. i am emotionally retarded. i have accepted this. i seem incapable of giving people what they want in relationships. i never feel strongly enough, never show my gratitude enough, never say the words enough. i'm cold inside. no one yet has touched me in a way that warms me from the inside out, that makes me want to leap over the edge and commit totally and completely. but guys like Red Head make me want to try. and that is what frightens me.

He's a great guy. a nice guy. the guy you take home to your parents and get a white picket fence and golden retriever with. he's All American with capital A's. kind, sweet, attractive, hard-working, honest, funny, and so sincere and eager. the guy has got relationship written all over him. i can't handle that. especially the eager part. i know he likes me. he couldn't make it any more obvious if he walked around with a blinking red sign on his chest. i cannot deal with people who are so open with their emotions, who don't have hidden motivations. i can't deal with them because i do. i have reasons for my actions that i would never tell people, and my emotions are buried so deep and are so closed off that sometimes i despair of ever truly feeling in a relationship.

so yeah Red Head scares me. he terrifies me to my toes. he's walking around with his heart like an open book, and while i want to take it and run with it, that means i am also responsible for it as well. i don't want to be responsible for someone else getting hurt again. because regardless of the fact that i cannot seem to care how guys want me to care in a relationship...

i care enough to carry guilt on my conscience for a long time when i do eventually hurt them.

update on hookups

Apparently i was misinformed about Red Head and Ex-Girlfriend. and apparently Red Head also really likes me (this i got from his direct roomate...an infinitely more reliable source). He likes me so much that he called me three times saturday night and once this afternoon.

That makes a total of four times in less than 10 hours.

but that's not the best part.

He also left four voicemails.




eep.

c'est la vie

I just found out that Red Head slept at his ex-girlfriend's house last week.

oh no. i am not getting sucked into a "whatever" with a needy boy who also has past relationship issues. no way.

it's a shame...he did have a great body.

;)

a new outlook

we went to a new bar last night and it was just what we needed. a change of pace, a change of scene, a change of guys. it was an older crowd and thus more exciting. i've forgotten how refreshing it is to be the young one. it gives everything a fresh feel, and a sheen of excitement glosses every experience.

it was completely different from a college bar...which means i got grown-up wasted instead of college wasted. and it was a lot of fun in a different way. we drank classy liquor instead of stuff that was probably brewed in a random bathtub. we danced but not sloppily. we got numbers on cards instead of trying to squint at a phone and drunkenly punch their name in, usually with a number or two thrown in for good measure. we were hit on in a non-sleazy, non-college boy way. the guys were more mature and bought us drinks, instead of offering to buy us drinks and then disappearing faster than a bad hookup. the guys had tabs.

so life after college bars looks like it won't be too bad.

like a stack of dominoes

you know those days when the little things go wrong and it all starts to add up? when you feel like things are slipping out of control way too fast? when just plopping down and bawling like a baby seems like a better idea than facing the real world? yeah...well i feel like karma was kicking me in the ass yesterday.

first, i had a ton of stuff to do. but i was organized. i had a plan. or so i thought.
second, i lost the form i needed to get signed right before the meeting i had scheduled to get it signed. so i had to run to a different building to get the form and then run back so i wasn't late to the meeting.

guess who i see in the hallway on my way to pick up the form?
oh yeah. Best Friend Hookup.
and we were all alone in the hallway so there was no possible way i could just walk past.
talk about the most awkward, uncertain exchange of meaningless hello's ever.

so after a short, unpleasant trip down memory lane, accompanied by a litany of "why would i ever hook up with him" running through my head, i had the meeting with the department head. unfortunately i also needed a degree audit, which he forgot to mention, so i looked like an unprepared idiot. now i'm sweating because i've been rushing around, i'm embarrassed that i'm not prepared, and it's extremely freaking hot in his office. so i'm uncomfortable, pissed off, and ready to scream.

the meeting finally ended and i had to run quickly to another meeting to work on a presentation for class. when that was over i had to rush home to shower, change, and do my hair for my costume. needless to say i was not in the mood for halloween.

dead sober, we headed over to my roomate's friend's house where we waited for the girls to finish getting ready. i'm stupid and had worn heels with my costume so my feet were killing me already....and it had only been 20 minutes. we then proceeded to walk to the bar which caused my feet to start crying. when we got to the bar it was so crowded that my manager/best friend asked me to help out. so i couldn't even get drunk because i ended up bartending the entire night. in heels.

all of this resulted in me coming home and blasting "It's Just One of Those Days" by Limp Biskit.

yeesh.