one for you and one for you..

i lose little pieces of my heart every day. i get caught up in a moment and before i know it, a part of me is slipping through my fingers.

i fall a little bit in love with a cute boy opening the door for me, and with the guy strumming his guitar at the local cafe. i wonder what the guy driving that big old truck is really like, and sigh over the boy playing with his lab in the park. my heart flutters on the beach watching a gorgeous specimen make that spike while playing beach volleyball, and i get a little tongue-tied when someone good-looking sends me a drink across the bar.


all of this kind of makes me wonder...how many people are falling a little bit in love with you or me every day?

it's a nice thing to think about...

the wildness of my imagination

we have an in-ground pool in my backyard. we just put it in a couple of years ago, just past the time when it would have been convenient to have it and we would have been little enough to get a lot of use out of it, but hey, you'll never hear us claim that our family makes sensible decisions.

my pool is a really cool color. it's this unreal blue, not quite sapphire and not quite turquoise but a mesmerizing combination of the two. it's the kind of color that merely looking at it makes you want to dive into it, slowly sink beneath the surface, because that kind of blue hints at coolness and silk, so why don't you just come on in?


i could stare at my pool for hours. the way the sunlight sparkles off the surface of the water, the patterns the light and ripples make on the bottom. i sit there and imagine that there are things in my pool. not gross things like toads and insects and turtles, though turtles really aren't that gross, i just couldn't really come up with any other horrifying water things. but the things that i'm thinking of are fairy-tale things. i imagine that creatures like water fairies and sparkling fish and tiny intelligent seahorses are frolicking in my pool, only i can't see them because they are in a dimension just beyond my reach, because after all, this world doesn't really believe in magic, and as soon as you hit thirteen you are forced to accept that really cool and interesting things like fairies and dragons don't really exist.






but sometimes, in the late afternoon, when it's quiet and lazy like it can only be on a languid summer day, there are water fairies and intelligent seahorses. and they live in the curve of the deepest part of my pool.

i'd like to be twelve again please

i have an interview tomorrow. a real job interview. in a real financial corporation with real grownup money involved, and real grownup hours. the interview is for an internal wholesaler position.

yeah, i know. doesn't it sound great? all sorts of responsible and solid.
the sad thing is, i can't get myself to care whether or not i make a good impression.
that's a horrible attitude to have.



how come when i was a kid, or even last year before i graduated, my dreams seemed so bright and shiny, and now appear a little ragged around the edges and stained from too many compromises? nowhere in my dreams did the words "internal wholesaler" appear.



god save me from being a grownup.

miscommunication

i know i'm not good at communicating out loud. it's something that's been said to me before, something i know i should try harder to work on. it's just that when things matter, when what i say matters, the words get tangled up somewhere between my heart and my mouth. i don't say exactly what i want to say, or it comes out completely wrong, leaving both of us unsatisfied and disappointed. so i would rather not say anything than say something wrong.

but if i could clear the blockage in the passageway from my heart and head to my lips i would say that you are so much more than i expected or deserved. i would describe how alive i feel when i'm just in the same vicinity as you. i would list the many qualities that i discover about you every day that steal little pieces of my heart despite my desperate and frightened grasp on them. i would say that kissing you isn't just chemistry, but an experience that involves every part of me, and when you gently cup my cheek i would do anything you asked at that moment. i would tell you that hearing your voice makes me smile, your sense of humor makes me laugh, and when you look at me in just that way, like you can't believe someone like me would be with someone like you---which is exactly the way i feel, it feels like the world slows down, narrows into focus, and it gets hard for me to breathe.

i would tell you that you're smart and kind and sweet. that you're so complex and possess so many different layers that i cannot wait to uncover another fascinating piece of you. that i think about you as much as you think about me because so many things remind me of you. that now i know why poets write and singers sing because this feeling is so much bigger than words, and yet to not try to capture it in some form would break your heart.

i want to talk to you when something happens or doesn't happen. i would reassure you more, let you know that yes i do feel that way too, and please look into my eyes and see that because i don't want to screw this up and i do want to give this a shot. i would whisper that i am scared, but not of you, just of how wonderful this is and how right it feels. i'd ask you softly to be patient, to try to understand me, and to please not let me get away no matter how much i seem to want to.

i would say all the words that you say back to me, the sweet, soft words that make my soul sing and my fingertips tingle.




this is what i would say to you, but i have some trouble with the connection between my heart and my mouth..


so i just have to hope that you see it when you look at me.

am i just hopelessly cynical?

okay i love getting caught up in emotion and going with the flow and everything, but it's time to take a reality check.

One Town Over said last night that he thinks he's falling for me.


whoooooa there.


it's been what...three weeks? i'm all for whirlwind courtship and fantastic dates and sweet kisses but...how can you fall for someone that you don't even really know? is that even possible? i don't know if he knows my favorite color, what i look like when i wake up, or millions of other tiny things that would cause a person to really decide that they love someone else.

but maybe i'm overanalyzing this. maybe for some people it does happen this quickly. maybe i should keep going with the flow.

i just don't want him to unfall as quickly as he fell. so that when i start to open up more fully, i'm left in the dust, vulnerable and aching.

oh i know, go ahead and punch me.

i feel very selfish and ungrateful for saying this but....do you know when everything is going so well that it would become repetitive to write about how wonderful something (or someone...ahem *One Town Over*) is?

that's where i'm at. and i haven't been there for so very long that i feel disoriented.

i've forgotten how exciting, wonderful, and just plain nice beginnings can be.



so i'm just going to sit back and enjoy this one.
god knows i need a bit of niceness.