the truth about Red Head

it's time for me to be completely and totally honest.

Red Head scares the living shit out of me.

not in the way you might think. in fact, based on what you've read, probably exactly opposite of what you might think. i am emotionally retarded. i have accepted this. i seem incapable of giving people what they want in relationships. i never feel strongly enough, never show my gratitude enough, never say the words enough. i'm cold inside. no one yet has touched me in a way that warms me from the inside out, that makes me want to leap over the edge and commit totally and completely. but guys like Red Head make me want to try. and that is what frightens me.

He's a great guy. a nice guy. the guy you take home to your parents and get a white picket fence and golden retriever with. he's All American with capital A's. kind, sweet, attractive, hard-working, honest, funny, and so sincere and eager. the guy has got relationship written all over him. i can't handle that. especially the eager part. i know he likes me. he couldn't make it any more obvious if he walked around with a blinking red sign on his chest. i cannot deal with people who are so open with their emotions, who don't have hidden motivations. i can't deal with them because i do. i have reasons for my actions that i would never tell people, and my emotions are buried so deep and are so closed off that sometimes i despair of ever truly feeling in a relationship.

so yeah Red Head scares me. he terrifies me to my toes. he's walking around with his heart like an open book, and while i want to take it and run with it, that means i am also responsible for it as well. i don't want to be responsible for someone else getting hurt again. because regardless of the fact that i cannot seem to care how guys want me to care in a relationship...

i care enough to carry guilt on my conscience for a long time when i do eventually hurt them.