quick update

ahh christmas break. the time of year when i slack off most in writing. i'm kicking myself in the ass so that i become motivated----so here we go.

a couple updates: things with Red Head are being put on the back burner. i was slowly starting to ease him off right before we left so that i was free to decide for or against him when i got back to school. i was getting too involved, and break came at a perfect time to clear my head. he still tries to keep in touch and will leave drunk voicemails at 3 a.m. but i think he's starting to comprehend what i'm doing and thus act accordingly.

being home and legally able to drink definitely makes everything more entertaining. i've seen a lot of people i haven't seen in a while, and have already had two drunken makeout sessions, fallen in a bar, and gotten proposed to.

and now it's almost new years eve.
and i still have no plans.

sweet.

we have a stage 5 clinger

it's been a crazy couple of days. i handed in a 20 page paper, took a couple finals, got wasted, and had a major freak-out in the boy department.

that's right.
Red Head is getting real serious.

the other day, i was complaining about how no one has the robin williams stand-up. i've been wanting to watch it for forever, but unfortunately the next day i had to study for a final. i spent all day at the library, only to come home around 9 and find a wrapped present on my desk with the note, "Just thought you could use some cheering up". The present turned out to be....you guessed it....the robin williams stand-up dvd.

He went out and bought the damn thing.
and. wrapped. it.

for the first five seconds my insides went all mushy, but then i remembered an important fact. i do not have a boyfriend. nor do i want one in the near future. not even Red Head.

things escalated with Red Head acting very affectionate in public over the next couple days, kissing me goodnight, and stopping up randomly. things reached a head when, wasted one night, he actually cried in front of me. c-r-i-e-d. with tears.

warning. warning.

let me make something clear.
i am cold and dead inside.
therefore excessive emotion makes me extremely uncomfortable.
actually it makes me run for the hills like i'm being pursued by the hounds of hell.

i can't be there for Red Head right now. that poor boy is wearing his heart on his sleeve. and in turn he's forcing things on me that i don't want, need, or am even close to being ready for. christmas break is coming at the perfect time. i can feel myself beginning to suffocate.

where the hell do i find these guys?

what happened to stretching?

okay.

things with Red Head are proceeding well. too well. well enough where i could get freaked out very soon. why is it that i always find the guys who bolt out of the starting gate at a sprint? i need some time to warm up, but by the time i have, these guys are already waiting at the finish line. that's how i feel every single relationship i've had has gone; i'm just starting to feel and wonder and care, and the guys i date have been at the finish line so long that they start another race that i'm not ready for.

i feel like Red Head is that type of guy. the guy that now i try to avoid.

i can handle this. really.

*gulp*

well hell

wow. after this week i know i am definitely not ready to go into the working world quite yet. how can i when i'm stressed out by just a couple of pages?

all this just makes me wonder if i'm capable of holding a real job at all.

considering that now that i'm done with work after 6 p.m. today and am then getting black-out drunk, and that solution will definitely NOT hold up after college....yeah.

as a grownup...i'm screwed.

Mayday Mayday

Time to take a step back.

i'm getting too caught up in Red Head and i'm losing my perspective. i will not let myself lose the upper hand in this relationship, or whatever the hell it is between us. i find myself wanting to see him more often...like every day more often. yet at the same time, i am freaked out and dismayed by that same impulse. i do not want to be the girl that finds any excuse to talk to him, or one who actively initiates situations that he is only a passive receptor of. i do not want to become "accessible, convenient upstairs hookup" girl. i deserve attention and admiration and wooing. i want some effort made in my direction dammit.

Deep breaths.

i need to get back my mojo.

mistaken assumptions

for once we had an awesome discussion in my previously mentioned English class. it was about the deterioration of the English major as a whole, and what exactly majoring in the humanities entails. it was...marvelous. because we are all so passionate about our major that to imply that it isn't important or necessary inspires even the most laid-back and reticent of us to rise valiantly to our major's defense.

what we discovered while talking about the humanities is that so many people believe the English major is something inherent in a person---that it can't be taught. you can either understand and write poetry or you can't. you can correctly analyze a piece of literature or you have no idea what it means. you are born with the English major gene or you aren't. you cannot be taught.

that viewpoint is so wrong it makes my soul ache. love of writing can be taught. there is no correct way to analyze a piece of literature, or rather there is a certain process to go about analyzing a work but literature and poetry is still complete open to interpretation.

that freedom of interpretation is the beauty of the English major that people often miss. anyone can read a poem or a book and love it; the way the words blend and click together, and how a story unfolds like an intricate puzzle. anyone can appreciate beauty, and how the sound of a sentence can fall like music on your ears. language is an intricate part of life. you cannot have society or humanity without language. it allows us to communicate, to create beauty, to spark ideas, and to share emotion....passion. it is what seperates us from every other species on earth.

the English major isn't for everyone, and by no means am i making that claim.

but it's also not a mysterious cult, a biological quirk, or a predestined choice.
it is open to everyone.
like anything else, you just need a love of it.

late nights

where else but in college can you start randomly drinking wine at 2:30 in the morning? where else but in college can you make late night food to go with that wine, and strengthen the bonds of friendships with shared laughter and the sheer idiocy slash inspired action of late night drinking?

nowhere else.
which makes me frantic to enjoy every last drop.

something in the air.

i'm in the mood for romance. for soft hands, soft eyes, soft breath. i want cuddling, a movie, and eye contact. i want tenderness and a safe place to curl into. i want a song with aching feelings captured in every lyric, a steady heartbeat underneath my cheek, and a warmth that lulls me to sleep. i want the slow spark of body contact that smooths out into a simmering glow. why can't i have interlacing fingers, murmured words, and slow, sweet kisses? or hidden meaning scattered into conversation like diamonds in sand, and a moment that will linger long after he leaves?

just for tonight.

just to chase the loneliness away.

best laid plans...

i was looking good. i had on black pants, a silver and white top, and a silver half sweater. my legs and *other areas* were shaved. Lotion was applied in the shower (olay in shower lotion is one of the best investments i've ever made), so when i dried off i was baby smooth and glistening. My makeup was artfully applied, my hair was soft, and my standard go-to perfume was dabbed discreetly. i walked around with a mysterious half-smile on because i was the only one who knew that i was wearing a black lace matching set underneath my clothes, and was having fun trying to decide who was going to see it.

Red Head looked like a good option. we all went to the christmas party together in a laughing, talking, drunk herd. i socialized, stole a santa hat, danced to christmas music that should not be danced to, and had an all around good time. i also kept asking people what they wanted for christmas since i was apparently transformed into santa as soon as i put on the hat. i think someone at one point definitely tried to sit on my lap. i lost Red Head somewhere along the way but wasn't too worried. we would meet up later.

i ended up walking my drunk roomate home (yet another story), and stopped by for a quick visit at the local bar i worked at for some after hours booze. after having a couple beers and shooting the shit with my co-workers and boss, and amusing them with my santa hat and general wastedness, i decided to head home. they gave me a bottle of wine to keep me company on my way. i am positive now that i broke every campus law by openly staggering home with a half full bottle of Pinot Grigio, taking swigs like a wino every couple minutes in my santa hat. i was still confident in Red Head.

i ended up home at around 3:15, after receiving two phone calls from Red Head. I changed, freshened up,------------and waited. i looked at the clock every 5 minutes, determined that he should be the one to call.



until i woke up this morning, with my hair still soft, my legs still glimmering and satiny, my black lace set still sexy as hell, room left all to myself by my understanding roomate.....alone.

with missed calls from Red Head and a voicemail.
he had stayed out until four in the morning getting drunk with two of my best guy friends. which is apparently more fun than me and my matching set. he was wondering if i was still up. i am bitter enough to hope he was drunk enough to wait until the wee hours of the morning, anticipating.

so here i sit, still in my black underwear, still alone, sexually frustrated as hell. i hate wasting good underwear.


thank god i still have that wine.

moment of immaturity

Quote of the night:

"yeah yeah i heard that was pretty good"

*long pause*

"your mom is pretty good".