have you ever wanted something so badly that it feels like you're aching? wanted it so much that it runs through your thoughts all day at the oddest times? i like someone. really really like them. for the first time in a while i am getting all swoony and eager and excited. he's good-looking (dark hair, dark eyes, great fashion sense), nice, has a great sense of humor, teases me, and is a gentleman. he pays for everything, is very hard-working, and unexpectedly sweet. all the little things that add up to match me.
he makes me feel alive. something i haven't felt in a while. being with him or around him is exciting and fun and interesting. i want to stop time. what he makes me feel is so rare that i am terrified and exhilarated all at once.
he's actually a good guy. deep inside, genuine good. and wonder of all wonders---he likes me; has said he likes me multiple times. granted, it was drunkenly shouted at me while he was wasted, and admitted via text again and again while drunk, but still. he said it. out loud and in writing. there's just one little problem.
i live in connecticut.
he lives in miami.
::sigh::
why why why why WHY does this always happen to me? i can finally see myself dating someone that i chose, someone that i don't just settle for, or get worn down into dating, and he lives an impossibly far distance away.
life could not be more frustrating.
what's even worse is that i've known and been friends with him for close to six years, and i am just now realizing what a great guy he is. the type of guy i want to be with. it's horrible to hear from him that he's liked me since high school but was too afraid to do anything. and it's awful to know that i was stupid enough to overlook him the entire time, and not catch on to his cues.
now he's in miami.
and why do i feel this opportunity is going to slip through my hands despite my best efforts? that we will drift apart and slowly lose touch? that he's not thinking the same way i am and i'm reading too much into the entire situation? that once again i am feeling too strongly and soon when it's doomed to fail?
everything is so fresh and sharp and full of meaning right now. unfortunately i can already see the first flush fading. he will lose interest because that is how my life works, and when i really want something, like really really soul deep want something, they never seem to want me back enough. i am waiting for this inevitable downslide
i am babbling like a teenager girl in torment over a boy, but sadly enough that's how i feel. it's like a tiny tragedy---to be presented with something wonderful, only to have it taken away, and know that you have to be responsible and level-headed and mature about it when you really want to stamp your feet and wail.
i know i am going to read this in a couple days and outwardly laugh at my own foolishness. i know i sound ridiculous and mopey and girly but i can't help it.
but godammit.
i deserve a break.
for once can i be proven wrong? retain some hope?
::whispers:: please?
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