Not even a smoldering ember

i forgot that coming back to school means coming back to gossip and speculation as well. all the baggage i shed by going home was waiting anxiously to assume it's position back on my shoulders once i stepped through the door. what brings this on? people have been asking about Red Head. already. and it's only been second day back.

this leads me to wonder how serious and/or obvious we seemed to other people. i didn't comprehend the fact that i was apparently "together" enough with someone to put me off-limits. i was not setting out to give that vibe at all. Red Head claimed he did not want a relationship (and i ignored my trusty instincts screaming at me that he had "serious commitment" written all over him). more to the point, i do not want a relationship. wait, let me clarify----i do not want a relationship with Red Head.

why?

he's a nice guy, great body, good work ethic, and is one of the few guys willing to commit to something and not get freaked out like the rest of the male population.

but that's just it. he's attractive, but i don't want to jump his bones when i see him. i don't try to sneak looks at him when he's not looking. i don't find excuses to bump into him, or go out of my way to catch his eye or start conversation. my heart doesn't jump start when he's near me, and my palms don't get sweaty. my tongue doesn't get tied, and i actually control most of the conversation. he doesn't challenge me, thrill me, or make me want to strangle him. he doesn't inspire any sort of intense emotion in me at all; merely mild annoyance. and he does NOT do drunk well.

so yeah things with Red Head are done on my side. not because of any big reason, but for all the little ones; the little reasons are usually why a relationship works or falls apart in the first place. hundreds of little tiny details that make two people spark against each other. the spark is just not there for Red Head and I.

sad, but true.

so on to a new semester of bad guy decisions, and the russian roullette of dating slash college hooking-up. and meanwhile i'll leave you with something that captures the essence of what i'm looking for, and still helplessly hope to find..:

"Gentlemen and Ladies. This is why girls like bad boys. T his is why so many of you claim that nice guys finish last. You know the scenario. Loner, rebel... hard to pin down, mister playa, pimp man meets innocent, good-hearted, sweet and smart, little girl. Gives up leather jacket and joins the track team. Blah blah, insert happy ending here:

The idea of taming that testosterone monster- the malest of males- being that one special reason for them to change... that’s bigger than any "my penis is bigger than your penis" testament. That speaks volumes about how fucking cool a girl is. And every girl wants to feel that cool- I don’t care if they admit it out loud or not.And there you have it. Sorry if you were hoping for something more deep, involved and emo. That is the attraction to the bad boy. Just the possibility of turning his colors. It is all about self-worth and validation...

That this guy knows, you know- fuck- EVERYBODY knows, that he could go out and get whoever he wanted in any capacity at any time, but yep, that’s right- he only wants you.But not only does he want you... he wants you to want him in the same way.

He wants to be the man you deserve. AND he actually makes an effort to be that guy. Not in that he changes who is deep down inside... but that he pushes all that surface level BS out of the way and actively shares who he is at the core.

So much so that he does give up all that casual, meaningless sex. Not because he doesn’t want it anymore- but because he respects and cares about you enough to never hurt or wrong you like that. He waits for you. He wants to take it slow too. Because it’s not about sex with you. It’s more. It’s everything.

Everything.

Now that’s some powerful shit. Idealistic, yes. Hard to find, yes. Seemingly impossible, yes. But that’s what we want.

Us lady-folk want to think that we "conquered" you just as much as you want to think that you "won" us. That we were your incentive to change. That we stole your heart- and that it was hard to do.

I mean... if it's easy- it's BORING. Those feelings of pride and accomplishment are very real and very intertwined in finding someone to build a quality relationship with. It has nothing to do with being nice- it has to do with being real, being candid and being important.

Everyone wants to have a story worth telling... so fucking give her one."

(Credit for insert goes to AmongStar)