psych 101

i got analyzed today. and i realized that as much as i enjoy doing it to other people, i HATE having it done to me. i hate people trying to figure me out and pick me apart. i'm more complex than that. i can't be summed up in a couple question and answer sessions. it would take a lifetime to unpack everything inside of me. there's places i won't even go in my head. i despise having to think about how i would react in a given situation, because i might be saying one thing now, and then do something completely different if the situation actually occurs.

what's worse is that i know i sound contradictory when i try to answer hypothetical questions. that's because i don't think about my decision. i just do what feels right. i freeze if i think too much. some of my best, and if i'm honest worst as well, decisions have been made on the fly. that's just how i am. i'm a gut instinct type of person. so i don't ever try to understand or explain my actions...because i don't know the why, how, or when of them either.

::sigh::

all of this is very frustrating to the (possible?) new boy who is trying to figure me out. he's thinking that he's going to get a head start on getting inside my brain if he asks me a couple questions on a day when i am sober and not in the heat of the moment. he doesn't understand that when i do make real decisions, it's always in the heat of the moment. he's hoping for a plan, some sort of guide map around my head, soul, and heart. what he doesn't realize is that those paths are so convulted and twisted that i don't even really know the way to them. i keep waiting for someone to open me up....unlock me.

maybe i should just tell him the ride's usually more exciting when you don't know what's around the corner.

this way, if you turn the corner and plow into a wall, it's more shocking than painful.
especially because i'm usually the metaphorical wall.