and so it rears its ugly head..

i believe that miami is losing interest. phew. there, i said it. one of the scariest things for me to face. i need to be liked. it's this weird compulsion i have. i can't stand for someone to lose interest in me----it irriates like a sore tooth. i keep poking at it, or in this case, doing everything i can until i win the person over. it sparks all sorts of doubts and insecurities when someone refuses to like or get along with me, because it makes me feel like there is a lack or flaw in me, even though i know logically that sometimes people are just not going to like me. hey no one ever said i was logical.

and the thing is, the people that i like the most are usually the ones who tend to lose interest. which in turn makes me wonder what is so fundamentally off about me that i cannot hang on to anything i truly care about. it's easy to get someone to like you when it doesn't matter. however once i find myself on the opposite side, i lose all skill and technique in capturing and retaining the interest of the guy i desperately want.

i get scared. really bone-deep scared, especially when my feelings are involved. usually i keep my feelings buried so deep that even i can't find them. i am afraid to let anyone matter that much, or see the real me because....what if they run away when they do see all of my imperfections? i might not be who they think i am or want me to be. so.... i might have a little something to do with miami losing interest. you ever hear of a defense mechanism? well my defenses against true feelings make me harder to break down than fort knox.

i do this thing. this, i-play-it-cool-and-try-to-be-the-guy-friend thing. i drag out information about how they like me. but it's not enough. i need a grand gesture. i mean is it so hard to want someone to fight for you? to battle against all odds for your heart? to think that you're worth that struggle? so i push them away. either because i'm frightened as all hell, or because i want to see what they do when i push them away.

most of the time, this strategy hurts me. because they don't like me enough to fight for me. they size up the odds and bail out. they turn out not to be strong enough.

so i end up disappointed.....again.

this time i want miami to prevail. but i don't know how he feels. he doesn't call me as much, and i don't get random texts from him in the middle of the day to make me smile. and it's so frustrating to know that distance keeps me from doing anything about it.

so i wait. stuck in a situation in which i have no control.
helpless once again to hold the interest of the guy i want.