In versus out

Describe myself?

huh. i' a huge boozebag---you know, a partier. i like hanging with the guys, and i can take a joke as well as anyone. sometimes i'm scared that i'll never be seen as the girl, just the friend. i love that the guys can hang out and talk to me, but will i ever be the girl to make their breath catch with longing? and will it ever be a guy that makes my breath catch in return?

being around people and talking is my thing, my talent. conversation is the spice of life right? you'd be surprised at how much you learn about people if you just start them off with a couple questions. i wonder if anyone will ever really listen to me. helping people and giving them advice makes me feel valuable, but i don't think anyone notices that even i have something to say sometimes. i can't always be a bottomless well of compassion and comfort. it runs dry. it's hard always being the shoulder to cry on. my shoulder keeps getting heavier and heavier.

i come off as confident, self-assured, and fun. having a good time is my m.o.---everyone knows i'm always willing to hang out, drink a couple beers. Laughing comes easily to me because hey, life is usually hysterical. i'm full of insecurities. no one has any idea how hard it is for me to be cheerful all the time. it's a role i've created for myself, and now it's so difficult to grow past. sometimes i'm bitchy, depressed, or tired. i don't want or need to be happy all the time. i don't think anyone notices that sometimes my laughter has a tinge of sadness about it. i'm laughing so you don't see the loneliness in my eyes.

i'm the terminally single girl. i don't need a guy to improve my life. i always joke about being cold and dead inside. the guys laugh right along with me because they know i can handle the dirty jokes, and i'm realistic about their needs and wants. i mean, my guy friends are great, but not really to the girls they hook up with. i hear horror stories from them you wouldn't believe. i don't want to be single. i don't need a guy but oh, do i want one. someone to hold onto at the end of the night, to chase the shadows away. someone to take my hand, to see the worst of me and still want me in return. someone to do nothing with, someone to bring magic back into the world. someone to keep the hope i have inside from burning out. i'm not cold and dead inside, i swear. i live each day in painful anticipation that someone will be confident and perceptive enough to fight past the facade i put up, and see the person i am inside. i don't want to end up alone, but i don't know if there's anyone who can meet the standards that i deserve. it's hard not to settle.

i talk a lot. everyone says i do. i've always got something to say, and i try my best to put others at ease around me. it takes so little to brighten up someone's day, and not many people realize that. why shouldn't be the one to bring a little sunshine into someone's life ? i talk a lot but don't say much. if you asked people what they really knew about me, if they thought about it, they could probably count the meaningful things i've said to them on one hand. so sure, i talk a lot, but i don't give much of myself away.

so i try to balance between these two seperate sides of me.
sometimes i want to kick the inner me's ass, and other times i want to tell the outer me to chill out.

i'm working on it.