a moment of me

i am hopeful.
but beneath the surface, i hide a secret sadness. i am confident in my personality and ability to talk, yet extremely self-conscious about my looks.

i hate small spaces. i present a cynical mask but am a secret idealist. sometimes i wonder if i am the only one to think certain thoughts. i am dead loyal once i give my friendship.
i forgive easily but i won't forget.
i feel the most alone when i wake up in the middle of the night.
sometimes i am still afraid in the dark.
i wish my dreams were real. i've lied to smooth a situation over or to prevent hurt feelings.

does that make me a bad person?

i dance in front of the mirror when there's no one else around. i dance better when i'm alone.

i wonder if i will ever be happy with myself. i hate making mistakes. i am harder on myself than any of my friends or family. i wonder if i will be a failure. i can hold a conversation with a brick wall.
my mother and i don't get along and i don't know if we ever will.
my dad is hands down one of the coolest people alive.
my sisters are my best friends. i don't know what i would do without them.

i've never lost someone really close to me. i am worried that my character might not be strong enough to handle loss. i have deeper, darker secrets than anyone knows. every now and then i have nightmares about those secrets.

i have learned life is ugly. i have also learned that life can make your heart pause in the best way possible. i don't think i have ever really been in love. i know i haven't had my heart broken. i love falling into a new crush. i despair of ever finding the guy that fits me and all my rough edges.

sometimes...i feel so lost.

i hate crying. i let things slide off my back too easily. i am learning to stand up for myself; that holding your ground is necessary although mostly unpleasant. i'd like nothing better that to disappear inside a book.

i wish magic existed.
when i was little i wanted a pony.
now that i'm bigger, i want a dog and a pony.

believing in myself is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

when i listen to songs i make up music videos in my head. i get embarassed during certain scenes in movies. i can't help it...i get too involved. i'm working on the ugly, scarred parts of me.

i'm imperfect.

i'm intelligent, funny, and proud to the point of stubborness. "i'm sorry" is one of the hardest phrases for me to say. i don't know if i'm being the best person i can be.

there are times when i get so caught up in life, so full of the wonder of it that i feel like i could float away. i love laying on a guy's chest and listening to their heart beat. i want a grand passion. i want the fireworks, bells, whistles, and the flawed ever after. i don't want perfect, i want real.

i don't need to know that a rainbow is light fracturing through water droplets in the air. i just need to know that something
as beautiful
as a rainbow
exists.

i listen better than you think. i have many acquaintances but only a handful of truly close friends. i yearn to experience something out of the ordinary.

and i dream. oh, how i dream.