miscommunication

i know i'm not good at communicating out loud. it's something that's been said to me before, something i know i should try harder to work on. it's just that when things matter, when what i say matters, the words get tangled up somewhere between my heart and my mouth. i don't say exactly what i want to say, or it comes out completely wrong, leaving both of us unsatisfied and disappointed. so i would rather not say anything than say something wrong.

but if i could clear the blockage in the passageway from my heart and head to my lips i would say that you are so much more than i expected or deserved. i would describe how alive i feel when i'm just in the same vicinity as you. i would list the many qualities that i discover about you every day that steal little pieces of my heart despite my desperate and frightened grasp on them. i would say that kissing you isn't just chemistry, but an experience that involves every part of me, and when you gently cup my cheek i would do anything you asked at that moment. i would tell you that hearing your voice makes me smile, your sense of humor makes me laugh, and when you look at me in just that way, like you can't believe someone like me would be with someone like you---which is exactly the way i feel, it feels like the world slows down, narrows into focus, and it gets hard for me to breathe.

i would tell you that you're smart and kind and sweet. that you're so complex and possess so many different layers that i cannot wait to uncover another fascinating piece of you. that i think about you as much as you think about me because so many things remind me of you. that now i know why poets write and singers sing because this feeling is so much bigger than words, and yet to not try to capture it in some form would break your heart.

i want to talk to you when something happens or doesn't happen. i would reassure you more, let you know that yes i do feel that way too, and please look into my eyes and see that because i don't want to screw this up and i do want to give this a shot. i would whisper that i am scared, but not of you, just of how wonderful this is and how right it feels. i'd ask you softly to be patient, to try to understand me, and to please not let me get away no matter how much i seem to want to.

i would say all the words that you say back to me, the sweet, soft words that make my soul sing and my fingertips tingle.




this is what i would say to you, but i have some trouble with the connection between my heart and my mouth..


so i just have to hope that you see it when you look at me.