random thoughts

sometimes i feel like the connection between my brain and fingers is disconnected, or at the very least, broken.

i have all these wonderful ideas and phrases floating around in my head. beautiful, moving, poignant words waiting, aching, straining to be written and read. yet as soon as i sit down to write, my mind goes as clear as newly scrubbed glass. it's a complete exercise in frustration. it makes me want to tear my hear out by the roots. it makes me want to bang my head against a table, hoping that repeated smacking will jar the words loose.

i just got a whiff of the cologne my ex-boyfriend wears. it caused a sharp, sweet ache to start in my nose and settle around the vicinity of my chest before fading. i'm glad it still hurts a little to think about things associated with him like that. it means that he mattered.

an alumni that i've known for a while is still interested in me, after a date that happened more than a year ago. it makes me wonder what exactly is damaged inside of me that i cannot be interested and attracted to a smart, sweet, successful, good-looking guy who actually appreciates the person i am beyond the physical. i cannot bring myself to return his regard. he is so grateful for any attention i give him that communicating with him always leaves me feeling guilty. maybe i'm bored because he already has given me the upper hand. maybe i'm uncomfortable with being put on a pedestal. i happen to sort of like my imperfection.

i really need to concentrate on issues other than guys.
i give them far too much importance.


i think i need to start exploring my own mind....strengthen that connection between creativity and keyboard.
working on improving another part of me.